Feelings.

So where was I? Yes, delving into emotions and feelings, the topic most men fear the most. Well I promise not to get cheesy or overly dramatic, but I don't guarantee anything.....

Everything was going smoothly, I picked him up from the airport the night he arrived and the first week sped by so fast I hardly noticed. There were lots of parties, family lunches and hanging out with friends and I was loving it and then the day of the party came rolling by. I woke up and felt fine, just another day. I tidied up the house, did some errands, nothing out of the norm. I think it really sunk in when I went to go get my nails done. As I was sitting there waiting for my turn it suddenly hit me that I was getting engaged. I started getting nervous and all I really wanted to do was run right out of there but kept put and waited. Got my nails done and went home to find my sister in law waiting for me to my hair and while she was doing it I was in some sort of trance. I was pale faced and really not all there. My sister in law started worrying, she thought I didn't like my hair (which was great by the way) and as time came closer, I really started to panic. I was running from room to room, smoking way to many cigarettes and just really freaking out. And every time the door bell rang, my heart would beat faster.

Once the party got started, everything was okay, I was nervous a little but otherwise panic for nothing really, I was a bit of drama queen really and I'm starting to worry that I'll completely flip when it comes to the wedding and I"ll be like one of those bride-zilla's (very likely I'm thinking).

But the real emotions came after that. There's something about wearing an engagement ring that freaks me out. I think it's the fact that I feel like I"m growing up, or the fear that I might be losing part of myself but deciding to share myself with someone. I don't know. I'm happy but there are times what I wonder to myself about whether or not I'll make a good wife, a good mother if we have children. I keep playing scene in my head of things I did wrong or things I shouldn't have said and I think that worries me the most. What if I'm not a good wife? What if he changes his mind? I guess I should cross that bridge when I get to it but I'm also highly paranoid, so that doesn't help...

I think at the end of the day, this marriage is a means to an end. It the means that will get us where we want to be, living together permanently and that's really what I want.