Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Plucking Hairs

Isn't it strange that woman have to go through so much pain just to look good?

Since I've got a lot special occasions coming up, I decided to go and get my nails done. I generally don't bite my nails but I have a nasty little nervous habit of biting on the skin around my nails, which really hurts and let's face it, looks like crap, so I have to go in regularly to get a manicure to clear that shit up so I have nothing to chew on. Anyway, that's not the topic of this post. Getting a manicure is fine and isn't painful at all (as a matter of fact, it feels nice and can be quite relaxing) but while I was there, I decided to get my eyebrows done at the same time. I generally do this at home (which is painful enough) but I'm not too picky about it (I can't be too bothered and since I don't have a uni-brow, I think it's good enough). So the lady started working on my eyebrows and damn, that was painful as shit. I was going to pass out from the pain on seat, seriously. It might've had a little bit to do with the fact that I hadn't eaten all day, but still, that shit is painful. When I opened my eyes I couldn't see at all, it was like my sight was directly related to my eyebrows.

The pain doesn't stop there. Any woman who was gotten a wax or worse, a bikini wax knows exactly what I'm talking about. Why do we have to go through so much pain? We go on and on about woman's rights and that we don't want to be put in traditional roles, then why the hell do we go through all that trouble in order to please our men?

I'm just throwing this out there, but I'm completely conditioned to do all those things and I don't think I'll ever stop, I just want to hear what you think...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Conflict Resolution

I learned something today, I have a really big mouth. I know I've always had this problem ever since school. Things just spurt out of my mouth uncontrollably and no matter how hard I try to change, I can't. I can't control the stuff that comes out of my mouth, it's like my mouth functions independently of my mind. I had written about something similar a few days ago when I was really mean to the boyfriend and today, well my big mouth got me in trouble again.

There's been lots of talk around the company about me leaving and all that jazz and I have to admit, I've indulged in office gossip and bitching but because my leaving caused such an uproar in the company, people cannot stop talking about it and they can't stop bitching to management about the decision. This of course made my soon to be ex-manager have a “talk” with me. Needless to say, I did not like the talk. There was not much to say really and I don't understand why talked to me anyway, if people are pissed off because of their actions, what am I supposed to do about it? Defend them?

The perfect course of action would to keep my mouth shut or as my boyfriend puts it, I should've gone all out. Either one would've been better than my conflict avoidance technique. I'm starting to think denial is not the answer to all my problems. The truth is I'm terrified of conflict. I just really don't like it. It freaks me out and my mind draws a complete blank and I retreat deep inside myself and I take all the shit that everyone throws my way and then in retrospect, I sit and I think of all the smart and witty things I could've said.

Anyway, there's no use bitching about it, at least she's taken time off for the holidays and that means I won't see her until it's time for me to leave work and that's the silver lining.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I don't want to say that I have failed but a part of me feels that I have. I haven't kept my promise. This week I haven't blogged everyday like I should've and a part of me feels like I had nothing to say anyway. I don't want this blog to be an online journal of my life, I already keep a journal, but I don't always feel like I have anything interesting to write about. I can't say I'm not disappointed in the number of my followers. I had gotten all excited when I started getting followers and a part of me felt that they would keep on coming, but they haven't. I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs and there are some out there that I really like and I'm amazed at the ideas people come up with every day.

I hate to say that I have failed but I think I have when it comes to blogging.

I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling now. A part of me feels sorry for myself and that is the feeling I hate the most. I do not want to wallow in self pity. I think I'm falling apart. I've made a mess of everything in my life and I don't know if I can fix it. I'm trying to look on the bright side. I still have my whole life ahead of me, I have a man who loves me, I have a family that loves and will look after me no matter what. My mother always says that as long as you have your health, that's all that matter, all the rest is just extra, health is the most important thing.

My boyfriend is coming this weekend (finally) and for one week everything will be crazy busy, but after that, it's vacation time. I really think that that's what I need, a break from all the stress.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Since I've been job-hunting I've been sending out resume's left, right, and center and so far I've gotten only one response, to do some freelance writing for an online magazine, which sounds interesting except, I've done any writing for a magazine before and I'm not entirely sure where to start. They've asked me send them sample of my writing and I'm not sure what would make a good sample. Do I fish out something I've written before or do I start writing something from scratch? And what genre? The magazine does reviews about what's new and what's cool around town, places, movies, books, you name it. It's like a city guide, so I'm not sure what kind of think I should write about and how long should the sample be? I must say I'm a little nervous. It's not a big deal if I don't get the job (the pay is actually crap) but for me, it's just means that I get to do something during my day, even if it's for a couple of hours.

I was having coffee with the girl who sits next to me at work. She was made redundant too and this is her last working week and we realized that's it's being redundant that bothers us, it's the way that it was done, the complete lack of respect that was given to us after putting in all those years and all that time and what terrifies us the most is what we're going to do when it's over. Just the thought of waking up in the morning and not having anything to do is killing me. What do you mean I can sit in my pj's all day? What the hell am I going to do?

Copacabana - Barry Manilow

Since my sister got this song stuck in my head, this is what you'll have to deal with

Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar
Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....they fell in love

(Copa Copacabana)

His name was Rico, he wore a diamond
He was escorted to his chair, he saw Lola dancin' there
And when she finished, he called her over
But Rico went a bit too far, Tony sailed across the bar
And then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in two
There was blood and a single gun shot
But just who shot who?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....she lost her love

(Copa. . Copacabana)
(Copa Copacabana) (Copacabana, ahh ahh ahh ahh)
(Ahh ahh ahh ahh Copa Copacabana)
(Talking Havana have a banana)
(Music and passion...always the fash--shun)

Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....don't fall in love

(Copa) don't fall in love

Thursday, December 16, 2010


Even though I got made redundant, I'm still supposed to work until mid Jan. I don't mind it so much especially since I really don't care anymore and I know there's nothing they can do to me if I slack off, what more could they do? They need me there until they find my replacement. They've already hired someone but she's not going to be able to start until mid January. I think the worst thing about going to work is the all drama that's been sparked up by my redundancy. Most of my co-workers are furious about it and feel that it was unfair. They know I never received a warning and they know that my performance, even if it was bad, it wasn't bad enough to warrant a dismissal. They realize that it has become nothing but a political game and ever since the company changed from foreign management to local management it has gone down the drain. The sentiments of my co-workers are touching and it makes it harder to say goodbye. All the water cooler talks are honestly becoming very exhausting.

I've always believed in Karma, what goes around comes around and here's the silver lining to all of this mess. My manager, or should I say my ex-manager, is becoming one of the most hated people in the company. The amount of bad rep she's getting is startling and I can't lie, I'm loving it. All the effort she has spent in the last two years gaining credibility and respect has been lost in the glimpse of an eye and I like it. Karma is a bitch. It's also my best friend.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Could I really just hide under the covers for one whole day? Would anyone look for me? Could they find me?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Mother nature

The sand sweeps across the deserted town in little yellow tufts grating against the asphalt and the stone walls of building. The wind quickly takes up the challenge against man and runs through the streets faster and faster. Gathering strength from the surrounding desert the wind goes into a frenzied attack carrying the sand from the bottomless vault and hurling it in all directions. A tornado of sand blasted the town in furious rage at the intrusion. Nature had been sleeping while we built our town and cities, while we destroyed its land, its forests, its oceans and seas. Slowly we had taken away its life, draining its life blood little by little but it did not stay asleep for long. Fighting with determination and fury, Nature strikes back to show us how infinitely small and helpless we are, how our folly and pride has led us astray. It will unleash its worst, sandstorms, blizzards, tsunamis and we should be humbled by its might. When its forgiving sunshine comes back in spring, I hope we remember.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Count to Ten

I have one of those really bad meanstreaks in me and I usually have it quite under control but sometimes, it gets away from me. It's one of those things where I sit and zone in on areas of imperfections, sensitive areas and from there I can pick the meanest come back there is to anything. And I do it all the time, in my head, when I'm having a discussion I don't like, in my head I'm thinking of things to say that could hurt that person. I don't always say the things that run though my head, but when I do, more often than not, I regret it, because it always hits that nerve, that nerve that's sensitive, naked and raw. It's just like rubbing salt in the wound.

I did that today and I did to my boyfriend. He didn't do anything to deserve it, nothing at all and it shot out of my mouth before I could stop it. I don't even know why I said what I said, I didn't even time to think about it and now I regret it and I hate to feel that I've hurt him.

One thing I've never learned to do is keep my mouth shut, it's been one of the most difficult challenges I've faced. My mouth seems to have a mind of its own and run around blabbing all sorts of crap and getting me into all sorts of trouble. I've even tried counting to ten before letting it lose, but it just won't let me. I guess what I'm saying is, I need to work on myself more before I go around shooting arrows at people.


Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine

Please remember me, happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin, the time when
We counted every black car passing

Your house beneath the hill and up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention

But please remember me, fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
Had some eloquent graffiti

Like 'We'll meet again' and 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their great handshakes
But always done in such a hurry

And please remember me, at Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white, by midnight
We'd forgotten one another

And when the morning came I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world and then returned
And now you're lit up by the city

So please remember me, mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower
Call, then pass us by but much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour

Gleam and resonate just like the gates
Around the Holy Kingdom
With words like, 'Lost and found' and 'Don't look down'
And 'Someone save temptation'

And please remember me as in the dream
We had as rug burned babies
Among the fallen trees and fast asleep
Beside the lions and the ladies

That called you what you like and even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see a trapeze
Swinger high as any savior

But please remember me, my misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains
The colored birds above their running

In circles round the well and where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter
So bright on cinder gray in spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'

And please remember me, seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees, you turn from me
And said the trapeze act was wonderful

But never meant to last, the clowns that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot
Had an element of danger

So please remember me, finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear, but if I make the Pearly Gates
I'll do my best to make a drawing

Of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
An angel kissin' on a sinner
A monkey and a man, a marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swinger


Since I've finished my exams, I've been catching up on a lot of reading lately, and I've just re-read the book Nonviolence which I had mentioned earlier more in depth. I love the concept of it, how nonviolence actually works and how it can really make a difference. As I was reading it though, there was a passage that really got my attention, especially with all this talk about the TSA. So here it is:

Nuclear weapons did not end warfare, because that would have required political leaders to completely rethink their concept of power. As Hungarian writer Gyorgy Konrad pointed out, the political elite had no alternative concept."They have none because they are professionals of power. Why should they choose values that are in direct opposition to physical force?" And so, faced with nuclear destruction, the goal, rather than ending war, became limiting it.

And then in another section is says:

In October 2002, by a vote of 77 to 23 in the Senate and 296 to 133 in the House of Representatives, the U.S. Congress voted to give President George W. Bush the authority to attack Iraq because it was building "weapons of mass destruction." It is a peculiarly accepted notion that the United States, the only country ruthless enough to ever have used atomic weapons-and used them against a civilian population-should be trusted with a monopoly on weapons of mass destruction. But worse, the claim of Iraqi weapons was a blatant lie contradicted by the United Nations weapons inspector in Iraq, among many other reliable sources.

All wars are accompanied with lies, terrible lies that spread fear and hate in the heart of millions. My question is, how many people see these lies for what they really are, and how many people see them and simply turn a blind eye?

Food for thought....

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Hardhat - Not so Hard

This blog post is inspired by Bruce's Evil Twin. You should totally check him out both here and his alter ego here.What's the deal with hardhats? Seriously, do they really do anything? I can maybe understand them in a construction site where things may fall down from the sky, but in other circumstances, I don't understand them so much.

I worked for a while in an office in a port terminal and every time we stepped out of the office we had to put our hardhats on. Now that was pretty useless, because unless that hardhat can stop a 20-something ton container from crushing my skull I really can't see why I need to wear it, because the only thing that can fall from the sky in a container terminal is a fucking container and those things are huge and heavy. So really, what's the use of the hardhat? Does it have magical powers, like maybe provide a protect shield around my head so that anything heavy just bounces off? But if a hardhat is really hard and then something smashes into it, wouldn't it impact my skull so instead of the thing that smash into me giving me a concussion, the hardhat would?

Let's face it, a hardhat is only an illusion of safety. And this blog was inspired by Bruce's Evil Twin, check him out here, he explains the illusion of safety so much better than I do

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bird Attack

I had a friend visiting once from out of town and while she was there we went out partying a few times. It was summer and the weather was excellent with a nice cool breeze blowing in the late afternoon. We were hanging around the house on a Saturday with the windows open, watching TV and catching up on the good ol' times. As the sun started to set, we turned on a lamp then starting getting dressed for another night of clubbing. We left the house early in the evening, had dinner, and headed off to one of the biggest clubs. We met with some friends, had tons of laughs and stumbled on our way home at around 4 am. I was supposed to work the next day, which in retrospect, clubbing was probably not the best of ideas, but anyway...

I unlocked the door at 4am and walked in. Upon entering the living room, we found that we had an unexpected visitor, a bird. Somehow a bird had entered into the living room, probably because the light was on and it had gotten dark out, and was sitting comfortably on my dining table. This was not what I needed at 4 am when I had to get up in a few hours. The catching the bird adventure began. My chickenshit friend whipped out her video camera and stood in the corner giving me instructions while I hopelessly tried to get the flying bird out the window again. You try catching a flying bird with your bare hands, it's not that easy. Of course, since I'm a girl, and it's been a while since I've played catch, I freaked out and screamed every time that damn bird flew in my direction. I felt like it was going to claw my eyes out and I really need those. Needless to say, screaming and flailing arms do not help to keep a bird calm.

And all this freakin time, my friend is just laughing hysterically, filming me, and giving me instructions and still the bird had no idea where the open window was, but it did find the bathroom, which was good news. I had a mirror that covered one entire wall in there and the poor bird kept flying into it, that was the best thing it could've done. I managed to catch it in a towel as it hit its head and toppled down. Taking it to the window, I set it free.

The video is of course hilarious. I'd post here, but then I think if people I knew saw this blog they'd know it was me. I'll see if I can edit the faces out.

Moral of the story: Don't leave an open window with the lights on. This time a bird, next time, who knows...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Two Down, One more to go

I finished two of my exams today which should've been really nerve-wrecking (I'm a bit of nerd) but surprisingly they weren't. Each exam is supposed to last 3 hours but somehow I managed to finish in half the time. I felt really weird about that because the last exams I wrote took the entire time, so I was a bit uncertain about how well I did. But there I was, sitting that hall, having written everything there was to write and feeling pretty comfortable with what I've done, and somehow with plenty of time left over. When I raised my hand to let the invigilator know I was done, she asked me, "how much have you finished?" all I could do was smile and say I finished all of it.

I can't say that I'm not a little bit concerned but what's done is done. So no use crying over spilled milk is what I say.

Tomorrow is my last exam and if I pass all three, I'll be an MBA holder. Yipeee (said in the most sarcastic way possible)....

I'm off to bed. Need to be relaxed and ready for tomorrow (and my poor hand really needs the rest from all that writing).

Monday, December 6, 2010


Since I'm now unemployed for the first time since I graduated, my mind is racing in all directions. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've been busy so far because I have the final exams for my master's degree this week (wish me luck guys) but I can't stop thinking about the future. What am I going to do next week when exams are over? Where do I go from here?

I know I can get another job somewhere else but the question is what job? I'm looking at this as opportunity to change my career around, to finally start doing something that I actually like. So far I've studied business, I have a bachelor's in business and hopefully when these exams are over an MBA but truth of the matter is, I've always thought business was boring and the corporate life is not the life for me. When I was growing up I wanted to be so many things and I don't know why I didn't even try to be half of those. Here's a list of what I wanted to do when I was a child:

1- Fireman (well in this case fire woman)
2- Undercover superagent
3- A mad scientist (I wanted to blow up things. My first (and only) successful attempt was when I blew up the chemistry lab in school (ok it didn't get really blown up, just a minor explosion, no one was hurt but there was some damage to property, I'll admit to that)
4- A novelist
5- A gardener
6- A doctor (still don't know why I decided against going to med school, oh yea, I remember all the long hours and all studying, that was it)

Looking back, I really should've followed my gut and studied something that interested me instead of being pressured into money making careers.

But I'm looking forward now, not backwards and I need to mind my dream job.

How does one go about finding one's self? I think that's what I'm asking.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Internet Dating

There was this guy that I knew back in college. We were good friends back then but after graduation, he moved to Texas and I moved to Europe and we completely lost touch. Three years later, he gets my email from a common friend and we reunite. It was great talking to him again and even though we were miles apart, we connected in a lot of different ways.

There was a time in Europe where I felt really, really lonely. I was in a foreign country, I didn't speak the language and I didn't have a lot of friends outside work, so mostly during weekdays when I came home from work, I would sit and Skype with him. We talked for hours every night and naturally we got really close. He was really sweet and he started talking about developing feelings for me and somehow in my loneliness, I started developing feelings for him. I remember what he looked like in college and I can't say I was attracted to him, but people grow, people mature, and well looks don't matter all that much when you like the person inside. So our internet romance started. It wasn't really romance, more like internet flirtations and then he finally decided to fly over to Europe and visit, to give it a shot I guess.

And I wish he never came.

I've had plenty of house guests, but this guy was the worst. He was the most disgusting guy I've ever met, and I mean this guy was filthy. He would leave dirty dishes all over the living room, coffee stains on the table, and after coming home from a night at a hot, smelly nightclub where he was sweating profusely, he didn't even shower. Like seriously? Thank god I had decided from the start that he would crash on the couch and not share my bed with him... yuck! And to top it all off, and this is really gross, this guy had no idea how to aim. Seriously, my toilet was worse than a dirty toilet on a highway. I couldn't stand to have him in my house anymore and he was planning to stay for two weeks. TWO WHOLE WEEKS!

Needless to say, I carefully hinted that he should leave and he got the point. Of course that ended the friendship completely. I never heard from him again (and I can't say I'm sorry).

Moral of the story: mail order brides are not the answer and you can only know someone after you live with them.

Stand by Me - Ben E. King

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Saturday, December 4, 2010


I have a confession. I am a twenty-eight year old virgin. Yup, that's right. You read it. A virgin. I have never had sex. I'm not sure why I'm confessing this right now, perhaps it's because of Jumble Mash's blog post about being a virgin to guest blogging that got me thinking about it (her blog's a lot of fun, you should totally check it out) and really twenty-eight year is too long to be a virgin. I'm a virgin by choice (we all know that most girls can probably get laid, guys aren't that difficult to get in the sack), at least that's how it started out. When I was young I had this dream that I only wanted to be with one man, that I would wait for the one, and I would wait until I got married. Initially the dream started out as not only being a virgin to sex, but being a virgin to all sexual activity, including kissing. That didn't quite happen though (I have kissed!) but the first time I got kissed was actually pretty horrible and left me quite traumatized. I've gotten over that trauma, but sometimes it's memory haunts me.

Anyway, I don't want to down that road, so back to the virgin thing. Like I said, when I was younger I thought it was a good idea, and as the years rolled by, I kept sticking to it because I thought, if I've held on this long, I can hold on a little longer until I find the one. Well the one took a lot longer getting here than I thought (better late than never, right?). Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure whether waiting was the right thing to do, that it would make sex so much more special. I really don't know. There are times where I've been embarrassed about my decision, when girls sit together and talk about sex I'm terrified that they ask me about some wild experience, and when they do, I give very vague answers.

I've been lucky that they guys I've been with understood, but I have been put in situations where guys did not want to date me when they knew they wouldn't get any. I'm generally quite up front about it, right from the start. It just makes things so much easier.

My boyfriend understands and I think he kinda likes the idea. Of course, he also knows that eventually he will get some, because (drum roll here) we got engaged! Looks like I'll be having sex after all :) I must admit as time flew by, one of my major fears became dying a virgin. So Time, I know we haven't always been good friends, but I'm really glad you're still with me.

Please don't unfollow me, I'm a virgin but I'm still cool, really I am

Friday, December 3, 2010

Balance of LIfe

Since the past few weeks have been pretty crappy, I decided I need something to lift the mood and what's better than a list of the things I'm grateful for, a little bit like the Sound of Music with My Favorite Things...

(In no particular order) I'm grateful for:
- Having an amazing boyfriend
- Having a family that love and support me
- Having gorgeous hair (yes I realize it's a little bit arrogant, but I love it)
- Sandy beaches
- Warm blankets
- Being able to enjoy food!
- Getting massages
- Reading good books
- Being healthy
- Having a good education (which will eventually help me get a better job)
- Enjoying music and singing my heart out (even though my voice sucks and I'm tone-deaf)
- Having the confidence to doing what I believe in without caring what anyone thinks
- Always trying to better myself by reminding myself to be tolerant and see the similarities and not the differences
- Being honest
- Having peace of mind

The list is endless. The point is there so much that I have and I am happy for it.
Here's a quote from Brian G. Dyson the CEO of Coca-Cola (from 1988 until 1994).

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work – Family – Health – Friends – Spirit, and you’re keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.

They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life."

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For

Thank you guys for all the support.

This is what happened at work yesterday. I finally got made redundant. My boss sat me down for a meeting and basically told me it was over. Initially, she tried to sell it to me as poor performance and then when it I argued back with proof that I had done everything that was expected, she took it back because fact of the matter is, I didn't have poor performance, I just didn't go the extra mile. So instead, she said it was because I lacked interest and passion and that it was obvious I was unhappy at the job. How my unhappiness was any of the company's business, I don't know.

I know that this is what I wanted, and that everything I was doing was driving towards this one goal, but still, it hurt to hear it, even when I knew that I had done it on purpose. It hurt to hear and as I sat there, fully expecting to hear what was said, my heart was pounding so hard in my chest and I could feel my body heating up. It was a mixture of fear, sadness, anticipation, and panic. I cannot begin to explain how I felt, it was everything rolled into one.

I know that my manager had been planning this for a while and that the only reason she waited this long to do it is because she wanted to get the most out of me before the end of the year.

My teammates are really frustrated and really angry. They don't think it's fair that I got let go without any prior warning, the fact that I was never told that if I didn't change something this would happen. They think I should've been given a second chance. I think they're right, but the decision was made and really this is what I wanted. I grateful for their support and sorry that now they're even more demotivated than they already were.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with my life right now. I've been there for more than six years, which is really a long time and doing something different is going to feel weird. I think I'm going to start by studying a new language and maybe find a different kind of this part time. I think some kind of community service would do me good, do a little to help the world around me, to give back and help those less fortunate than me. I think that's a good plan until I can figure out what I'm going to do.

Do I regret it? Should I have done it differently? Maybe, maybe not.
At least now I have a little extra cash to carry me through until I find something else.