Be Careful What You Wish For

Thank you guys for all the support.

This is what happened at work yesterday. I finally got made redundant. My boss sat me down for a meeting and basically told me it was over. Initially, she tried to sell it to me as poor performance and then when it I argued back with proof that I had done everything that was expected, she took it back because fact of the matter is, I didn't have poor performance, I just didn't go the extra mile. So instead, she said it was because I lacked interest and passion and that it was obvious I was unhappy at the job. How my unhappiness was any of the company's business, I don't know.

I know that this is what I wanted, and that everything I was doing was driving towards this one goal, but still, it hurt to hear it, even when I knew that I had done it on purpose. It hurt to hear and as I sat there, fully expecting to hear what was said, my heart was pounding so hard in my chest and I could feel my body heating up. It was a mixture of fear, sadness, anticipation, and panic. I cannot begin to explain how I felt, it was everything rolled into one.

I know that my manager had been planning this for a while and that the only reason she waited this long to do it is because she wanted to get the most out of me before the end of the year.

My teammates are really frustrated and really angry. They don't think it's fair that I got let go without any prior warning, the fact that I was never told that if I didn't change something this would happen. They think I should've been given a second chance. I think they're right, but the decision was made and really this is what I wanted. I grateful for their support and sorry that now they're even more demotivated than they already were.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with my life right now. I've been there for more than six years, which is really a long time and doing something different is going to feel weird. I think I'm going to start by studying a new language and maybe find a different kind of this part time. I think some kind of community service would do me good, do a little to help the world around me, to give back and help those less fortunate than me. I think that's a good plan until I can figure out what I'm going to do.

Do I regret it? Should I have done it differently? Maybe, maybe not.
At least now I have a little extra cash to carry me through until I find something else.