Plucking Hairs

Isn't it strange that woman have to go through so much pain just to look good?

Since I've got a lot special occasions coming up, I decided to go and get my nails done. I generally don't bite my nails but I have a nasty little nervous habit of biting on the skin around my nails, which really hurts and let's face it, looks like crap, so I have to go in regularly to get a manicure to clear that shit up so I have nothing to chew on. Anyway, that's not the topic of this post. Getting a manicure is fine and isn't painful at all (as a matter of fact, it feels nice and can be quite relaxing) but while I was there, I decided to get my eyebrows done at the same time. I generally do this at home (which is painful enough) but I'm not too picky about it (I can't be too bothered and since I don't have a uni-brow, I think it's good enough). So the lady started working on my eyebrows and damn, that was painful as shit. I was going to pass out from the pain on seat, seriously. It might've had a little bit to do with the fact that I hadn't eaten all day, but still, that shit is painful. When I opened my eyes I couldn't see at all, it was like my sight was directly related to my eyebrows.

The pain doesn't stop there. Any woman who was gotten a wax or worse, a bikini wax knows exactly what I'm talking about. Why do we have to go through so much pain? We go on and on about woman's rights and that we don't want to be put in traditional roles, then why the hell do we go through all that trouble in order to please our men?

I'm just throwing this out there, but I'm completely conditioned to do all those things and I don't think I'll ever stop, I just want to hear what you think...

Conflict Resolution

I learned something today, I have a really big mouth. I know I've always had this problem ever since school. Things just spurt out of my mouth uncontrollably and no matter how hard I try to change, I can't. I can't control the stuff that comes out of my mouth, it's like my mouth functions independently of my mind. I had written about something similar a few days ago when I was really mean to the boyfriend and today, well my big mouth got me in trouble again.

There's been lots of talk around the company about me leaving and all that jazz and I have to admit, I've indulged in office gossip and bitching but because my leaving caused such an uproar in the company, people cannot stop talking about it and they can't stop bitching to management about the decision. This of course made my soon to be ex-manager have a “talk” with me. Needless to say, I did not like the talk. There was not much to say really and I don't understand why talked to me anyway, if people are pissed off because of their actions, what am I supposed to do about it? Defend them?

The perfect course of action would to keep my mouth shut or as my boyfriend puts it, I should've gone all out. Either one would've been better than my conflict avoidance technique. I'm starting to think denial is not the answer to all my problems. The truth is I'm terrified of conflict. I just really don't like it. It freaks me out and my mind draws a complete blank and I retreat deep inside myself and I take all the shit that everyone throws my way and then in retrospect, I sit and I think of all the smart and witty things I could've said.

Anyway, there's no use bitching about it, at least she's taken time off for the holidays and that means I won't see her until it's time for me to leave work and that's the silver lining.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I don't want to say that I have failed but a part of me feels that I have. I haven't kept my promise. This week I haven't blogged everyday like I should've and a part of me feels like I had nothing to say anyway. I don't want this blog to be an online journal of my life, I already keep a journal, but I don't always feel like I have anything interesting to write about. I can't say I'm not disappointed in the number of my followers. I had gotten all excited when I started getting followers and a part of me felt that they would keep on coming, but they haven't. I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs and there are some out there that I really like and I'm amazed at the ideas people come up with every day.

I hate to say that I have failed but I think I have when it comes to blogging.

I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling now. A part of me feels sorry for myself and that is the feeling I hate the most. I do not want to wallow in self pity. I think I'm falling apart. I've made a mess of everything in my life and I don't know if I can fix it. I'm trying to look on the bright side. I still have my whole life ahead of me, I have a man who loves me, I have a family that loves and will look after me no matter what. My mother always says that as long as you have your health, that's all that matter, all the rest is just extra, health is the most important thing.

My boyfriend is coming this weekend (finally) and for one week everything will be crazy busy, but after that, it's vacation time. I really think that that's what I need, a break from all the stress.

Writing

Since I've been job-hunting I've been sending out resume's left, right, and center and so far I've gotten only one response, to do some freelance writing for an online magazine, which sounds interesting except, I've done any writing for a magazine before and I'm not entirely sure where to start. They've asked me send them sample of my writing and I'm not sure what would make a good sample. Do I fish out something I've written before or do I start writing something from scratch? And what genre? The magazine does reviews about what's new and what's cool around town, places, movies, books, you name it. It's like a city guide, so I'm not sure what kind of think I should write about and how long should the sample be? I must say I'm a little nervous. It's not a big deal if I don't get the job (the pay is actually crap) but for me, it's just means that I get to do something during my day, even if it's for a couple of hours.

I was having coffee with the girl who sits next to me at work. She was made redundant too and this is her last working week and we realized that's it's being redundant that bothers us, it's the way that it was done, the complete lack of respect that was given to us after putting in all those years and all that time and what terrifies us the most is what we're going to do when it's over. Just the thought of waking up in the morning and not having anything to do is killing me. What do you mean I can sit in my pj's all day? What the hell am I going to do?

Copacabana - Barry Manilow

Since my sister got this song stuck in my head, this is what you'll have to deal with

Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar
Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....they fell in love

(Copa Copacabana)

His name was Rico, he wore a diamond
He was escorted to his chair, he saw Lola dancin' there
And when she finished, he called her over
But Rico went a bit too far, Tony sailed across the bar
And then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in two
There was blood and a single gun shot
But just who shot who?

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....she lost her love

(Copa. . Copacabana)
(Copa Copacabana) (Copacabana, ahh ahh ahh ahh)
(Ahh ahh ahh ahh Copa Copacabana)
(Talking Havana have a banana)
(Music and passion...always the fash--shun)



Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!

At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....don't fall in love

(Copa) don't fall in love
Copacabana
Copacabana

Karma

Even though I got made redundant, I'm still supposed to work until mid Jan. I don't mind it so much especially since I really don't care anymore and I know there's nothing they can do to me if I slack off, what more could they do? They need me there until they find my replacement. They've already hired someone but she's not going to be able to start until mid January. I think the worst thing about going to work is the all drama that's been sparked up by my redundancy. Most of my co-workers are furious about it and feel that it was unfair. They know I never received a warning and they know that my performance, even if it was bad, it wasn't bad enough to warrant a dismissal. They realize that it has become nothing but a political game and ever since the company changed from foreign management to local management it has gone down the drain. The sentiments of my co-workers are touching and it makes it harder to say goodbye. All the water cooler talks are honestly becoming very exhausting.

I've always believed in Karma, what goes around comes around and here's the silver lining to all of this mess. My manager, or should I say my ex-manager, is becoming one of the most hated people in the company. The amount of bad rep she's getting is startling and I can't lie, I'm loving it. All the effort she has spent in the last two years gaining credibility and respect has been lost in the glimpse of an eye and I like it. Karma is a bitch. It's also my best friend.

Hiding

Could I really just hide under the covers for one whole day? Would anyone look for me? Could they find me?

Mother nature

The sand sweeps across the deserted town in little yellow tufts grating against the asphalt and the stone walls of building. The wind quickly takes up the challenge against man and runs through the streets faster and faster. Gathering strength from the surrounding desert the wind goes into a frenzied attack carrying the sand from the bottomless vault and hurling it in all directions. A tornado of sand blasted the town in furious rage at the intrusion. Nature had been sleeping while we built our town and cities, while we destroyed its land, its forests, its oceans and seas. Slowly we had taken away its life, draining its life blood little by little but it did not stay asleep for long. Fighting with determination and fury, Nature strikes back to show us how infinitely small and helpless we are, how our folly and pride has led us astray. It will unleash its worst, sandstorms, blizzards, tsunamis and we should be humbled by its might. When its forgiving sunshine comes back in spring, I hope we remember.

Count to Ten

I have one of those really bad meanstreaks in me and I usually have it quite under control but sometimes, it gets away from me. It's one of those things where I sit and zone in on areas of imperfections, sensitive areas and from there I can pick the meanest come back there is to anything. And I do it all the time, in my head, when I'm having a discussion I don't like, in my head I'm thinking of things to say that could hurt that person. I don't always say the things that run though my head, but when I do, more often than not, I regret it, because it always hits that nerve, that nerve that's sensitive, naked and raw. It's just like rubbing salt in the wound.

I did that today and I did to my boyfriend. He didn't do anything to deserve it, nothing at all and it shot out of my mouth before I could stop it. I don't even know why I said what I said, I didn't even time to think about it and now I regret it and I hate to feel that I've hurt him.

One thing I've never learned to do is keep my mouth shut, it's been one of the most difficult challenges I've faced. My mouth seems to have a mind of its own and run around blabbing all sorts of crap and getting me into all sorts of trouble. I've even tried counting to ten before letting it lose, but it just won't let me. I guess what I'm saying is, I need to work on myself more before I go around shooting arrows at people.

:(

The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine

Please remember me, happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin, the time when
We counted every black car passing

Your house beneath the hill and up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention

But please remember me, fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
Had some eloquent graffiti

Like 'We'll meet again' and 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their great handshakes
But always done in such a hurry

And please remember me, at Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white, by midnight
We'd forgotten one another

And when the morning came I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world and then returned
And now you're lit up by the city

So please remember me, mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower
Call, then pass us by but much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour

Gleam and resonate just like the gates
Around the Holy Kingdom
With words like, 'Lost and found' and 'Don't look down'
And 'Someone save temptation'

And please remember me as in the dream
We had as rug burned babies
Among the fallen trees and fast asleep
Beside the lions and the ladies

That called you what you like and even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see a trapeze
Swinger high as any savior

But please remember me, my misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains
The colored birds above their running

In circles round the well and where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter
So bright on cinder gray in spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'

And please remember me, seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees, you turn from me
And said the trapeze act was wonderful

But never meant to last, the clowns that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot
Had an element of danger

So please remember me, finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear, but if I make the Pearly Gates
I'll do my best to make a drawing

Of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
An angel kissin' on a sinner
A monkey and a man, a marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swinger

War

Since I've finished my exams, I've been catching up on a lot of reading lately, and I've just re-read the book Nonviolence which I had mentioned earlier more in depth. I love the concept of it, how nonviolence actually works and how it can really make a difference. As I was reading it though, there was a passage that really got my attention, especially with all this talk about the TSA. So here it is:

Nuclear weapons did not end warfare, because that would have required political leaders to completely rethink their concept of power. As Hungarian writer Gyorgy Konrad pointed out, the political elite had no alternative concept."They have none because they are professionals of power. Why should they choose values that are in direct opposition to physical force?" And so, faced with nuclear destruction, the goal, rather than ending war, became limiting it.

And then in another section is says:

In October 2002, by a vote of 77 to 23 in the Senate and 296 to 133 in the House of Representatives, the U.S. Congress voted to give President George W. Bush the authority to attack Iraq because it was building "weapons of mass destruction." It is a peculiarly accepted notion that the United States, the only country ruthless enough to ever have used atomic weapons-and used them against a civilian population-should be trusted with a monopoly on weapons of mass destruction. But worse, the claim of Iraqi weapons was a blatant lie contradicted by the United Nations weapons inspector in Iraq, among many other reliable sources.

All wars are accompanied with lies, terrible lies that spread fear and hate in the heart of millions. My question is, how many people see these lies for what they really are, and how many people see them and simply turn a blind eye?

Food for thought....

Hardhat - Not so Hard

This blog post is inspired by Bruce's Evil Twin. You should totally check him out both here and his alter ego here.What's the deal with hardhats? Seriously, do they really do anything? I can maybe understand them in a construction site where things may fall down from the sky, but in other circumstances, I don't understand them so much.

I worked for a while in an office in a port terminal and every time we stepped out of the office we had to put our hardhats on. Now that was pretty useless, because unless that hardhat can stop a 20-something ton container from crushing my skull I really can't see why I need to wear it, because the only thing that can fall from the sky in a container terminal is a fucking container and those things are huge and heavy. So really, what's the use of the hardhat? Does it have magical powers, like maybe provide a protect shield around my head so that anything heavy just bounces off? But if a hardhat is really hard and then something smashes into it, wouldn't it impact my skull so instead of the thing that smash into me giving me a concussion, the hardhat would?

Let's face it, a hardhat is only an illusion of safety. And this blog was inspired by Bruce's Evil Twin, check him out here, he explains the illusion of safety so much better than I do

Bird Attack

I had a friend visiting once from out of town and while she was there we went out partying a few times. It was summer and the weather was excellent with a nice cool breeze blowing in the late afternoon. We were hanging around the house on a Saturday with the windows open, watching TV and catching up on the good ol' times. As the sun started to set, we turned on a lamp then starting getting dressed for another night of clubbing. We left the house early in the evening, had dinner, and headed off to one of the biggest clubs. We met with some friends, had tons of laughs and stumbled on our way home at around 4 am. I was supposed to work the next day, which in retrospect, clubbing was probably not the best of ideas, but anyway...

I unlocked the door at 4am and walked in. Upon entering the living room, we found that we had an unexpected visitor, a bird. Somehow a bird had entered into the living room, probably because the light was on and it had gotten dark out, and was sitting comfortably on my dining table. This was not what I needed at 4 am when I had to get up in a few hours. The catching the bird adventure began. My chickenshit friend whipped out her video camera and stood in the corner giving me instructions while I hopelessly tried to get the flying bird out the window again. You try catching a flying bird with your bare hands, it's not that easy. Of course, since I'm a girl, and it's been a while since I've played catch, I freaked out and screamed every time that damn bird flew in my direction. I felt like it was going to claw my eyes out and I really need those. Needless to say, screaming and flailing arms do not help to keep a bird calm.

And all this freakin time, my friend is just laughing hysterically, filming me, and giving me instructions and still the bird had no idea where the open window was, but it did find the bathroom, which was good news. I had a mirror that covered one entire wall in there and the poor bird kept flying into it, that was the best thing it could've done. I managed to catch it in a towel as it hit its head and toppled down. Taking it to the window, I set it free.

The video is of course hilarious. I'd post here, but then I think if people I knew saw this blog they'd know it was me. I'll see if I can edit the faces out.

Moral of the story: Don't leave an open window with the lights on. This time a bird, next time, who knows...

Two Down, One more to go

I finished two of my exams today which should've been really nerve-wrecking (I'm a bit of nerd) but surprisingly they weren't. Each exam is supposed to last 3 hours but somehow I managed to finish in half the time. I felt really weird about that because the last exams I wrote took the entire time, so I was a bit uncertain about how well I did. But there I was, sitting that hall, having written everything there was to write and feeling pretty comfortable with what I've done, and somehow with plenty of time left over. When I raised my hand to let the invigilator know I was done, she asked me, "how much have you finished?" all I could do was smile and say I finished all of it.

I can't say that I'm not a little bit concerned but what's done is done. So no use crying over spilled milk is what I say.

Tomorrow is my last exam and if I pass all three, I'll be an MBA holder. Yipeee (said in the most sarcastic way possible)....

I'm off to bed. Need to be relaxed and ready for tomorrow (and my poor hand really needs the rest from all that writing).

Unemployment

Since I'm now unemployed for the first time since I graduated, my mind is racing in all directions. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've been busy so far because I have the final exams for my master's degree this week (wish me luck guys) but I can't stop thinking about the future. What am I going to do next week when exams are over? Where do I go from here?

I know I can get another job somewhere else but the question is what job? I'm looking at this as opportunity to change my career around, to finally start doing something that I actually like. So far I've studied business, I have a bachelor's in business and hopefully when these exams are over an MBA but truth of the matter is, I've always thought business was boring and the corporate life is not the life for me. When I was growing up I wanted to be so many things and I don't know why I didn't even try to be half of those. Here's a list of what I wanted to do when I was a child:

1- Fireman (well in this case fire woman)
2- Undercover superagent
3- A mad scientist (I wanted to blow up things. My first (and only) successful attempt was when I blew up the chemistry lab in school (ok it didn't get really blown up, just a minor explosion, no one was hurt but there was some damage to property, I'll admit to that)
4- A novelist
5- A gardener
6- A doctor (still don't know why I decided against going to med school, oh yea, I remember all the long hours and all studying, that was it)

Looking back, I really should've followed my gut and studied something that interested me instead of being pressured into money making careers.

But I'm looking forward now, not backwards and I need to mind my dream job.

How does one go about finding one's self? I think that's what I'm asking.

Internet Dating

There was this guy that I knew back in college. We were good friends back then but after graduation, he moved to Texas and I moved to Europe and we completely lost touch. Three years later, he gets my email from a common friend and we reunite. It was great talking to him again and even though we were miles apart, we connected in a lot of different ways.

There was a time in Europe where I felt really, really lonely. I was in a foreign country, I didn't speak the language and I didn't have a lot of friends outside work, so mostly during weekdays when I came home from work, I would sit and Skype with him. We talked for hours every night and naturally we got really close. He was really sweet and he started talking about developing feelings for me and somehow in my loneliness, I started developing feelings for him. I remember what he looked like in college and I can't say I was attracted to him, but people grow, people mature, and well looks don't matter all that much when you like the person inside. So our internet romance started. It wasn't really romance, more like internet flirtations and then he finally decided to fly over to Europe and visit, to give it a shot I guess.

And I wish he never came.

I've had plenty of house guests, but this guy was the worst. He was the most disgusting guy I've ever met, and I mean this guy was filthy. He would leave dirty dishes all over the living room, coffee stains on the table, and after coming home from a night at a hot, smelly nightclub where he was sweating profusely, he didn't even shower. Like seriously? Thank god I had decided from the start that he would crash on the couch and not share my bed with him... yuck! And to top it all off, and this is really gross, this guy had no idea how to aim. Seriously, my toilet was worse than a dirty toilet on a highway. I couldn't stand to have him in my house anymore and he was planning to stay for two weeks. TWO WHOLE WEEKS!

Needless to say, I carefully hinted that he should leave and he got the point. Of course that ended the friendship completely. I never heard from him again (and I can't say I'm sorry).

Moral of the story: mail order brides are not the answer and you can only know someone after you live with them.

Stand by Me - Ben E. King

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Confessions

I have a confession. I am a twenty-eight year old virgin. Yup, that's right. You read it. A virgin. I have never had sex. I'm not sure why I'm confessing this right now, perhaps it's because of Jumble Mash's blog post about being a virgin to guest blogging that got me thinking about it (her blog's a lot of fun, you should totally check it out) and really twenty-eight year is too long to be a virgin. I'm a virgin by choice (we all know that most girls can probably get laid, guys aren't that difficult to get in the sack), at least that's how it started out. When I was young I had this dream that I only wanted to be with one man, that I would wait for the one, and I would wait until I got married. Initially the dream started out as not only being a virgin to sex, but being a virgin to all sexual activity, including kissing. That didn't quite happen though (I have kissed!) but the first time I got kissed was actually pretty horrible and left me quite traumatized. I've gotten over that trauma, but sometimes it's memory haunts me.

Anyway, I don't want to down that road, so back to the virgin thing. Like I said, when I was younger I thought it was a good idea, and as the years rolled by, I kept sticking to it because I thought, if I've held on this long, I can hold on a little longer until I find the one. Well the one took a lot longer getting here than I thought (better late than never, right?). Right now, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure whether waiting was the right thing to do, that it would make sex so much more special. I really don't know. There are times where I've been embarrassed about my decision, when girls sit together and talk about sex I'm terrified that they ask me about some wild experience, and when they do, I give very vague answers.

I've been lucky that they guys I've been with understood, but I have been put in situations where guys did not want to date me when they knew they wouldn't get any. I'm generally quite up front about it, right from the start. It just makes things so much easier.

My boyfriend understands and I think he kinda likes the idea. Of course, he also knows that eventually he will get some, because (drum roll here) we got engaged! Looks like I'll be having sex after all :) I must admit as time flew by, one of my major fears became dying a virgin. So Time, I know we haven't always been good friends, but I'm really glad you're still with me.

Please don't unfollow me, I'm a virgin but I'm still cool, really I am

Balance of LIfe

Since the past few weeks have been pretty crappy, I decided I need something to lift the mood and what's better than a list of the things I'm grateful for, a little bit like the Sound of Music with My Favorite Things...

(In no particular order) I'm grateful for:
- Having an amazing boyfriend
- Having a family that love and support me
- Having gorgeous hair (yes I realize it's a little bit arrogant, but I love it)
- Sandy beaches
- Warm blankets
- Being able to enjoy food!
- Getting massages
- Reading good books
- Being healthy
- Having a good education (which will eventually help me get a better job)
- Enjoying music and singing my heart out (even though my voice sucks and I'm tone-deaf)
- Having the confidence to doing what I believe in without caring what anyone thinks
- Always trying to better myself by reminding myself to be tolerant and see the similarities and not the differences
- Being honest
- Having peace of mind

The list is endless. The point is there so much that I have and I am happy for it.
Here's a quote from Brian G. Dyson the CEO of Coca-Cola (from 1988 until 1994).

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work – Family – Health – Friends – Spirit, and you’re keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.

They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life."

Be Careful What You Wish For

Thank you guys for all the support.

This is what happened at work yesterday. I finally got made redundant. My boss sat me down for a meeting and basically told me it was over. Initially, she tried to sell it to me as poor performance and then when it I argued back with proof that I had done everything that was expected, she took it back because fact of the matter is, I didn't have poor performance, I just didn't go the extra mile. So instead, she said it was because I lacked interest and passion and that it was obvious I was unhappy at the job. How my unhappiness was any of the company's business, I don't know.

I know that this is what I wanted, and that everything I was doing was driving towards this one goal, but still, it hurt to hear it, even when I knew that I had done it on purpose. It hurt to hear and as I sat there, fully expecting to hear what was said, my heart was pounding so hard in my chest and I could feel my body heating up. It was a mixture of fear, sadness, anticipation, and panic. I cannot begin to explain how I felt, it was everything rolled into one.

I know that my manager had been planning this for a while and that the only reason she waited this long to do it is because she wanted to get the most out of me before the end of the year.

My teammates are really frustrated and really angry. They don't think it's fair that I got let go without any prior warning, the fact that I was never told that if I didn't change something this would happen. They think I should've been given a second chance. I think they're right, but the decision was made and really this is what I wanted. I grateful for their support and sorry that now they're even more demotivated than they already were.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with my life right now. I've been there for more than six years, which is really a long time and doing something different is going to feel weird. I think I'm going to start by studying a new language and maybe find a different kind of this part time. I think some kind of community service would do me good, do a little to help the world around me, to give back and help those less fortunate than me. I think that's a good plan until I can figure out what I'm going to do.

Do I regret it? Should I have done it differently? Maybe, maybe not.
At least now I have a little extra cash to carry me through until I find something else.

No post.

I had a tough at work today, so there's no post today.

Wikileaks

Now I'm not generally concerned with politics (there's too many lies and it makes me sick) but I do like to keep updated with what's happening globally and there's an interesting story that's all over the place at the moment and I think it's downright embarrassing. Some official and confidential information was leaked to the general public, you can see the news here.

Now, how the hell did this stuff get leaked out? I understand how every company keeps profiles to other countries and their representatives, but to have this come out public can have serious effects on international relations for the United States and other countries with each other. I cannot imagine the kind of repercussions this would have, even if it's not a obvious reaction, there will be a reaction and it won't be pretty.

This is why I hate politics. It's a bunch of people at the top who hold the key to everyone else's life. They can make or break you, they can give you happiness and they can take it away.

I was talking to my mother recently and she had one of those wise moments. She said that true happiness is really about being satisfied with what you have and that there is nothing more valuable that your health and peace of mind. I believe her.

Webs of Deceit

A few years ago I realized that I had surrounded myself with people who weren't really my friends, people who just filled my life with negative energy (and yes I'm aware I do this to people at work, they should totally just fire me) and sucked all the goodness out of it. They were social parasites, draining away all my energy. And one day, I decided to do something about it. I decided that I had had enough and that I couldn't handle it anymore, so I started cutting people out. With some people I just disappeared, with others, it was a much slower process, a drifting away, so that little by little, I extracted myself from their venomous webs leaving behind the sensation that it was life that pulls us apart, that it was in any way my intention. There's a good reason why I did this. It's because I didn't trust them. I had seen them deceive so many of their so-called friends in pursuit of their own goals. I've seen them lie and cheat. I seem them betray all their trust, betray the years of friendship to get ahead, to steal what isn't theirs. I knew that if I was too obvious, they would not let me go. They would spin their web tighter and tighter around my neck and rob me of any chance of happiness, because they were unhappy, because they were incomplete.

I realize that my paranoia might have a lot to do with it, but how can you trust someone who has betrayed their closest friends? How could you forget that and not wonder that one day it could be you? I am terrified that one day, they will realize that I have left them for precisely this reason and they will come after me with all their force and all their might. They will come at me like a tornado, tearing down everything that have built and leaving my life in shambles.

Will they? Will they really stoop so low even though I have never done them any harm? Is keeping your enemies close really a good idea, or just bad logic?

The Stone - The Dave Matthews Band

I've this creeping
Suspicion that things here are not as they seem
Oh, reassure me
Why do I feel as if I'm in too deep?
Oh, I've been praying
For some way to show them
I'm not what they see
Oh, I have done wrong
But what I did I thought needed be done
I swear
Oh, Unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
God knows it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want
But if not I'll go
I will go a long way
Far from that fool's mistake
And now forever pay
No, run
I will run and I'll be ok
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want
But if not I'll go
I will go a long way
To bury the past
For I don't want to pay
Oh, and I wish this
To turn back the clock and do over again
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want
But if not I'll go
I will go alone
Oh, I need so
To stay in your arms see you smile hold you close
Oh, And it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and a bone chilling cold
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Just tell me you will

Let it all fall out
Let it all fall out

Drama Queen

I'm not usually a drama queen, but when I'm stressed out and overwhelmed I really turn into one. I've been pretty stressed out these days with a lot happening at work, school, and relationship that really the slightest thing can just set me off.

Today, I went to get a haircut and I've yet to find a hairdresser that is not scissor happy. What is it about hairdressers and their obsession to cut away as much of your hair as possible? Anyway, I told the guy that all I needed was a trim, nothing more. What's the first thing he does? He gives me bangs! Now I have big curly hair, there is no way in hell I can pull off bangs, all they're going to do is frizz up and head skywards like alien antenna (I prefer that to cockroach antenna, which is what my brother is calling it these days). I said trim goddamnit! Of course, he had already cut away my lovely hair, so there's not much I can do about it, but I get into a complete fit, crying my eyes out like a baby. I have to walk around for the next month or so looking like a complete moron, either that, or straighten out the front which I can never pull off.

Anyway, instead of letting this blog post turn into a complete chick thing, I'm going to end it here. I don't know why the hell crying is so taxing but I'm exhausting and my head hurts. I'm heading off to bed.

Good night

Toilet Paper

I usually start my blogging process by reading through the comments I get, check out the stats and then head on to my reading list and start reading the blogs I'm currently following. I'm relatively new at the blog world and have been slightly slow at finding blogs that I like enough to follow, but I'm managed. So there's a bunch of blogs that I follow and I was reading one of them, Absolutely Narcissism (which is absolutely brilliant by the way, you should totally check it out, coz she's funny as hell), where her recent entry of "High as a Fricking kite!" prompted me to write this post.

She talks about when the teacher in one of her nursing courses tells them to "Remember ladies, wipe front to back." Now I understand the logic behind that and the good common sense that comes with it, but I have a very serious, serious question, that has been on my mind ever since I left the comfort of my country to visit countries in the West. Someone please explain to me, why the hell don't people in the west use water to clean themselves after using the toilet? Why is it that this type of technology has never really found its way there? The French at some point had the whole bidet thing going on and so did the Spanish (due to Arab influence, I suppose) and it's better than nothing (although sometimes gross) but now, there is a better, more hygiene way, that will totally change any Westerner's life if they would just give it a chance. The use of toilet paper becomes only a drying activity and the water washes away everything. It leaves you bum nice and clean without even touching anything. It is brilliant!

There's two ways you can do this, it's either a small shower head device like this:




Or, and I think it's the more hygienic thing, there's a tiny little jet that squirts out water when you turn a tap at the side of the toilet, like this:



And no, the water does not go shooting out and into your ass, you can control the water pressure.
Trust me, if you try this, you will never want to go back to just toilet paper (coz that's just gross, seriously).

Really, how do people in the west live without it?

Venus & Mars

Other than the obvious physical differences between boys and girls, there is one difference that just drives me crazy. Women typically talk a lot more than men, they have a lot more emphasis on communication, both verbal and otherwise. Men on the other hand don't have such a strong focus. They are a lot more concise and do not really notice a lot of the details that women notice. This becomes obvious when retelling stories.

If you're a woman like me and your boyfriend talks about something that relates to you (as in what his parents/friends think of you) you expect detail. You expect him to repeat the story word for word like it happened. You expect all those juicy details so that you can take all that information and analyze it, turn it upside down, and analyze it again until it's completely dissected, over-analyzed and all the possible hidden meanings are uncovered. That's just how we work, we need to information to have a better, more complete picture (it's completely irrelevant whether that information is actually necessary or not. What's important to have the information).

Men on the other hand (or most men, just to be fair) have a hard time remembering these details, retelling them, and caring about them. They filter out all the "irrelevant" information and just come out with the final conclusion, which to a woman is entirely unsatisfying. And it's completely useless to try and convince said man to retell the story in detail. He never will.

I've told my boyfriend before that he should tape all important conversations that I would be interested in and just play them back to me but he's not convinced. Of course it's my fault for dating a guy who already is of little words, one of the silent mysterious types, but I think we should've been passed this stage already. Somehow, he should've learned that I need the information, and IN DETAIL please.

Pay attention men, let us do the filtering.

More Long Distance... Again.

The distance is killing me. It's been three months since I last saw my boyfriend and still one month more to go. It is a lot harder than I thought and this is definitely the longest we've been apart.

There's a lot about this distance thing that I don't like, other than the obvious which is missing quality time spent together. Even though we're not physically together most of the time, we find ways, given modern technology, to have quality time virtually, so that's not the worst part of it. I think the worst part of the long distance relationship is the amount of strain that is put on said relationship. There's so much stress and pressure involved that sometimes develops into unwanted drama. The frustration of not being able to see that person in front of you, and not being able to read the body language really makes communication harder than it already is.

I think the true measure of a successful relationship is how it withstands the distance, how it makes sure that out of sight is not out of mind, and how it finds constructive ways to resolve conflict that does not involve throwing in the towel.

To all those who are in long distance relationships, stand strong and work hard to make it work. To my boyfriend, I'm sorry for going a little crazy now and then.

Big is Beautiful

I have a close Middle-Eastern friend who lives in Europe. He's lived in Europe for a long, long time and he's quite fully integrated there. He's your average Joe, a real nice guy, and honestly, if it wasn't for his skin color, you wouldn't know the difference between him and any other westerner.

We were talking the other day, and he told me how it is almost impossible for him to get into any nightclubs where he lives. Apparently the bouncers over there have a very strict policy on who to let in and who not to let in. No Middle Easterners, no fat women, no ugly women. It's just that simple. And I don't like it.

Why is it that nightclubs need to be filled with only commonly beautiful people. Why do we need to conform to some kind of look to be deemed beautiful? If God created us in his image, aren't we all beautiful? The beauty of mankind is in our individuality, that we are all uniquely different, and the fact that there are different tastes out there really means that everyone is beautiful, that in someone's eyes, everyone is beautiful.

Then why do we constantly try to change ourselves into something that we are not? I blame the media and the constant bombardment of all those models who starve themselves for a living.

Dark Stuff...

I am sick, both physically and mentally. I don't know how long it will take before I breakdown, before I explode. Everyone is gone, left me to deal for myself. Few people remember me. Almost none can remember my laughter. I never seem to laugh anymore. The thought brings about so much sorrow, so much pain. Is this what causes my anxiety? Is this all bottled up inside? Images that remain swirling in my head, feeding on my paranoia? But am I really paranoid?

My head throbs with pain and I fight to keep my eyes open. My head gets heavy, I cannot lift it up. I am falling, falling faster into sleep. But I fear the nightmares that threaten to come. I fear their memory. I fear their truth, I fear their lies. I fear... I can no longer fight them. my head falls on my chest, my eyes are sown shut. The dreams are coming. Nothing will stop them.
The grass was green. The sun was barely up. The air was fresh and cold. The sun seemed jaded. I could not feel its warmth. The were no crushing walls, no hollow spaces, just an endless field of green. I stood there silently, waiting patiently, but no one came. I was surprised at first, but the confusion slipped away. I watched the sky as it twisted before me. Images seemed to form. I waited again but still no one came. Then the sky was unable to stay still. I smiled. I stared at the sky for ages, watching the clouds shift and flee. When I looked down, the realization dawned on me. I was no long solid. I shifted in and out, becoming a cold, an image. I drifted away, I was blowing in the wind...

I am a fleeting memory... I cease to exist...

Running Up that Hill - Placebo

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't wanna hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems [x2]

'If I only could, be running up that hill.' [x7]

A Cleansing

Endless seas of green. The trees surround me and hover above me,
sheilding me from the sun. The ground is damp beneath my feet from
recent rains. Its coolness is comforting. I stood still for what felt
like hours. I felt so at peace here. It was a haven of security, far
away from the penetrating eyes of people. I felt myself slowly melting
away. The chill breeze enveloped my skin, washing away all the pain. I
walked foward, slowly, breathing deeply. I wanted to fill my lungs
with air enough to lift me off the ground. I felt so lightheaded. I
could hear a river in the distance, or maybe it was a stream, or a
spring. I didn't know. I was drawn to the water, its sound echoing
softly in my head.
The spring was hot, its water was pure and clean as it traveled down
the hill, splashing away merrily at the rocks that lay in its way. I
knelt down beside it, and washed my face. The water was comforting. I
stared at my hands. They looked old and weary, they were hands that
had so much to tell. I do not remember taking out a knife. It seemed
to materialize in my hand, then slowly, and half conscious, I cut deep
into my flesh. I don't remember the pain. I remember my blood as it
flowed unchecked from my wrists. I slowly put my hand in the water and
I saw my blood being washed away. The feeling was comforting. I was
finally draining all the poison from my blood, all the pain, all the
betrayal, all the lies, all the regrets. I sat there for what seemed
to be an eternity. I lay down on the wet grass, the bleeding stopped.
Then sleep descended. Sweet dreamless sleep.

Non-Violence - Mark Kurlansky

This is by far one of the greatest books I've read in a long time. The way history is plagued with violence is really sickening and this book sheds a light on so many of those incidents, how leader and politicians have used everything in their power from money, charisma, fear, and brutal force to lead people of wars that are deemed to be "just". The way wars are waged under the banner of all that is right and holy is frightening. There is no justification for violence or brutality and no good could come from it. War only leads to more war and more hatred. It is the justifications that are used for these wars that breed hatred in our hearts and in our minds. The thoughts of a common enemy, a common demon, instills our lives with constant fear and loathing that can only be quenched by violence, the destruction of that common demon.

History repeats itself but it must be stopped. I refuse to believe that human kind is by nature evil, immoral and violent. The institutions around us, be it government, society, culture, or religion, that twist the facts and use us to accomplish their selfish goals. It is by practicing this idea of non-violence that violence can be overcome.A dangerous idea it is indeed

I highly recommend this book. Give it a read. You won't regret it.

Autobiographies

What makes a life interesting? How is interesting judged exactly? Is the life on an undercover international spy more interesting than say, a corporate drone like myself? Possibly. Scratch that, definitely.

I've always wondered who has the right to an autobiography, and why some people are more entitled to write one than others. I also wonder why we can't all have the interesting lives of undercover spies, superheros, etc... How does one get into that kind of life anyway?

If I wrote an autobiography, would anyone read it? Would anyone think my life is interesting and marvel at it and think, I wish I could've had that sort of life? Maybe. Maybe not

Entertainment is always about someone else's life, someone else who has a more interesting life than your own and really that is just sad.

I say, we should stop worrying about the future, throw caution to the wind and start living. Then maybe, maybe, we'll have interesting lives too.

Unfortunately, that's easier said than done.

Karma - What Goes Around Comes Around

Here's part two of yesterday's story. Like I said, it's not sad and miserable and when I think about it, it was truly pathetic.

So, we had been broken up for about two years or so and I had not seen or heard of him in all that time. He had transferred to another university and since he didn't really have any close friends at the one I went to, it made things a lot easier. After some intense looking after myself (which may have included some pills), I was feeling better. I had gained all the weight I lost, regained my friends and family and things were looking up again. I had come to a point where I only thought of him occasionally but that was okay. I still thought him as a misunderstood knight in shining armor and that somewhere, deep inside him, there was a really good person.

I was wrong.

One day, he calls me out of the blue. I must admit a part of me was ecstatic, as sad and pathetic as that sounds. I couldn't help but hoping that maybe he had changed, maybe this is my second chance to make it work with him. He said he wanted to see me but his voice sounded a bit strained. Something was wrong, something was very, very wrong. He said he didn't want to talk over the phone, that he needed to speak to me face to face. I agreed. I drove to his house and picked him up. We went to a quiet place and he started talking. He talked about how sorry he was for the way he treated me and he begged me to forgive him. He cried and I cried. A part of me felt some kind of victory and as I prepared myself to take him back, he dropped the bomb. He was with another woman and he loved her uncontrollably and she was doing to him what he had done to me. She kept him on his toes, she cheated on, she did it all and he was so desperately in love her that he couldn't see what a real bitch she was. As he sobbed in front of me I felt my heart turn into stone. I had no compassion for him and I had no more love left to give. Karma is a bitch is what I said. He cried some more and then begged for my forgiveness and because I could feel nothing towards him at the point in time, neither love nor hate, I forgave him.

And here comes the funny part. After listening to him sob for over an hour about how much he loved this girl, he suddenly made a move on me, and I'm not talking about holding my hand or any of that shit, I mean really made a move on me. I laughed as I pushed him away. He hadn't changed a bit, he felt no regret for how he treated me. He was just as selfish now as he was when I was with him. Of course, he got mad at my rejection, which made me laugh even harder and that laughter told me that I was finally free of the spell that I was under.

Last I heard of this guy was that he married the cheating bitch. I think they were made for each other and I hope he gets exactly what he deserves.

More on Cutting the Cord

I always wondered how women could stay in unhealthy relationships and always thought that they should just toughen up, pack up their shit, and just leave and never look up. I thought that it was easy and wondered by so many of them just stayed even though their men were complete assholes and/or were abusive. I found out the hard way that it's not so easy.

I had been with this guy for a few years and initially, the relationship was everything I could wish for. We met in college and had hit it off immediately. The chemistry between was incredible and the intensity of what I was feeling made me dizzy. I had fallen head over heels in love in a matter of days and I was addicted to feelings of love and happiness. Those days didn't last though and soon enough, I found myself in an emotional roller coaster that took me from the heights of passion to the pits of misery. Thankfully the relationship was not physically abusive (even though there were times where I really thought he would hit me), the emotional abuse was extreme. I never knew where I stood and I cannot even begin to count the number of times we broke up and then get back together again. It was a freakin nightmare. I began loosing weight and the depression set in. I had become a skeleton of who I used to be, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Things around me started to fall apart, my grades suffered, relationships with my parents and siblings turned ugly (they hated him and wanted me to stop seeing him), my friends were alienated. This compounded the problem further, I could not let go of him because I had nothing else to hold on to. Where would I be if I left him? What would I have left?


My stubborn streak wouldn't let go. My inability to admit that I have failed, that I have judged him wrongly, that he was not the one for me made me try even harder to make it work and the more I tried, the more I failed. It was a vicious circle that would not end. I defended him blindly and gave him wild excuses. I even convinced myself that he had saved my life when the car spiraled out of control (because of his bad driving) when it was his fault I was in that situation in the first place. I believed it, I really did.

And then it all ended. Somewhere deep inside me, I found the balls the end it once and for all, to walk away from him and never look back, to completely erase his existence and push him out of my bubble. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and even when it was over, I had nothing but my pride to keep me company. Even though my family and my friend came back to comfort me, I still felt alone. The misery lasted for a while but eventually that went away too.

But then... a couple of years later... he comes flying into my life again... but this time it's not sad and miserable, it's hilarious. It's a fucking joke...

Read on tomorrow to find out what happens....

Leaving the Nest

I have a little sister, okay, not so little, she's in her early twenties, but she's always been the baby of the family (I have a total of three siblings). She's always been cute and cuddly even in her twenties and pretty much gets her way with everyone and we love her for it. That's not the point of this post though, the point is, when is love too much that it is suffocating? And how do you stop it from becoming like that and learn to let go?

My mother, who's in her sixties is desperately attached to my sister. She holds on to her with such tenacity that she has real problems letting her go and even though I think my sister is to blame for a big part of it, by always being the little baby because it granted her major privileges, now that she's trying to break out of the nest, my mother's psychological well being is hanging by a string.

The most recent of such issues is when my sister decided to take a trip to learn how to dive. Not only was mother trying to stop her from going on the trip altogether (which is really just an enjoyable relaxing beach trip in fantastic weather) she is adamant about her not diving, at all. No course, no diving instructors, nothing. Why do you ask? Because she really can't handle not seeing her everyday. She can't handle letting her go and admitting that she's all grown up, that she has a right to have fun and she can make her own choices. God forbid my sister decides to date a guy my mother doesn't like, seriously all hell with break lose.

When does love start to become suffocating? How can you prevent it from happening? How can you let go and know that your love is still the most important thing in someone else's life?

Conspiracy Theory

Why is it that TV is always terrible on the weekend? In the three countries I've lived in, TV is always bad on the weekend. It doesn't matter what time during the weekend it is, the TV sucks. I'm sure they function on some sort of assumption that people go out on the weekend and therefore viewing must be lower, but couldn't they at least make loser like me who are home on a Saturday night feel better by giving them some entertainment?

Or, or, or.. maybe, just maybe, the TV entertainment industry is in cahoots with the all the other outdoor entertainment industries, forcing us out of our homes to spend all our hard earned cash on food we don't like, too much alcohol, cigarettes, fancy restaurants, and clubs with crappy music that is way too loud with a target market that is much to young to even be there.

I say it's really one big conspiracy to get a hold of our money and to take away from the time we can spend with our families, because that's when they have a strong hold on us, when we're alone, when we're all alienated from each other and separated. They got us exactly where they want us, the temptations inside are non existent that the temptations outside seem better than they really.

Or maybe it's all just in my head.... I think my paranoia might be getting out of control again...

The Man Who Sold the World

Since my battery is dying and I can't find the cable, this is all there is for today....

We passed upon the stair, we spoke in was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise, I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I laughed and shook his hand, and made my way back home
I searched for a foreign land, for years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare, we walked a million hills
I must have died alone, a long long time ago

Who knows? Not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World

Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World

Pride & Prejudice... Or maybe, just Prejudice

I think one of the things that mostly get on my nerves is having a closed-minded approach to the world. It drives me insane that some people are so intolerant and so unappreciative of other cultures, people that think that everything should conform to their norms and their ideals.

There's a guy at the office who will be going to India soon on a business trip and as we were talking about it, I told him how insanely jealous I was and how my life's dream is to go India, take a year off and just backpack all across that amazing country. His reaction was not what I was expecting. He looked at me with utter shock, saying that there's nothing interesting about India, that it's a land filled with poverty and is not worth seeing. He made fun of me, was extremely sarcastic, making various racist comments. The problem is that his racist comments were not made out of malice, they were made out of pure ignorance. They were based on using one frame of reference, judging the world by his own eyes only and completely disregarding differences in culture. No, not disregarding it, being completely unaware that other frames of reference exist, that our differences are what make us special and that these differences must be accepted and understood in order to appreciate the beauty of the human race.

There are two kinds of closed-mindedness, one which comes out of ignorance, and another that comes from educated prejudice and I am not sure which one is worse. Ignorance, and not wanting to change it, is a death of the mind. Educated prejudice is a death of the soul.

Can the human race be saved? Will we ever be a world that sees humans as just that, humans?

The Blog World

I joined the blog world recently and I must say that I am truly amazed at the amount of support, understanding and compassion out there. I've been following some blogs recently and as I read through them and the comments that people post, it really blows my mind. Wow, people, seriously, wow.

Even though I have only 7 followers out there, which seems like a small number to some, to me its an accomplishment. I am really happy that some people take time out of their busy schedules to read whatever nonsense I write. Thank you guys for all your support. It is much appreciated.

I've also started to following blogs myself, mostly through those reading mine and their followers and I'm amazed at how you guys do it. How do you find the time to read all those posts? No, seriously, how do you do it? And there's so many cool blogs out there that I feel like I must read them otherwise I would really be missing out.

I'm a little bit embarrassed by this post, but I really felt the need to tell you all thank you and keep blogging, it really brightens my day :)

Will You Marry Me?

My last boyfriend was an interesting fellow. Right from the start, all signs pointed in the correct direction. He was totally my type, he had the looks, had the twisted sense of humor, had the brains, and was heir to a successful business. So all in all, he scored 9 points out of 10. We met at a party through a common friend and hit it off immediately. It was summer and love was in the air. We spent countless days at the beach, relaxed and having fun. The relationship quickly developed and we became an inseparable item. The perfect fairytale story... and all fairy-tales must have a happy ending.

We had been together for a few years and things were going pretty good and we were quite happy until the most dreaded topic in any relationship came up... where is this going.... And as much as you try to put off this topic, years, months, or decades, it always, always comes up. There's no avoiding it. I suppose it's human nature to want to progress, to want to go somewhere. Or maybe that's just the way we've been conditioned since an early age. We get old enough to go to kindergarten, then we move on to elementary, middle school, high school, college,.. and it just goes on. Something always has to lead to something else, we're never satisfied with things the way they are... Anyway, I digress, back to the ex-boyfriend.

So, when talks about the where this was going, I had the shock of my life. Get this, the douche bag gives me a conditional proposal. Now I'm not particularly romantic, nor am I high-maintenance (and I really mean it), but a conditional proposal, seriously? This guy tells me that he would marry me if I changed half the things about me, the things that make me really me. He of course adds the standard I love you and can't live without you routine, but... BUT? Seriously?

I remember sitting there, in that restaurant, with my mouth gaping wide in utter bewilderment, trying, really trying to find one saving grace in the entire proposal and I found none. So I shut my mouth, gave him a firm no, and walked away.

Does this moron stop there? NO, of course not. He calls my mother, MY MOTHER, of all people, the one person who has been desperately trying to marry me off since I graduated from college, to try and tell her to talk some sense into me and that I was just being stubborn. Lucky for me, my mother decided to back me up, no one talks about her daughter that way! (Of course that didn't save me from the nagging I got later on).

Does he stop there? NO... He send me a letter, not an email, but a hand written letter that he got delivered to my doorstep where he proceeds to tell me that I am losing the best thing that would ever happen to me, and that I would live to regret this decision. I believe he used the word gem to describe himself. Where is that damned letter, anyway? Needless to say, I fell off my chair literally because I was laughing so hard. (I really need to find that letter).

But like I said, the fairytale must have a happy ending, and here it is: that break up was the easiest break up I've ever gone through, and not once have I regretted it. On the contrary, it was the best decision I ever made.

Prudish Behaviour

Sometimes I get a little confused with the physical aspects of dating. I'm never really sure when things are appropriate, like when is the right time to have a first kiss, when to have the first make out session, how far should it go, etc... I'm a complete ditz when it comes to this stuff because I tend to play by completely different rules than everyone else. My rules are, if I feel like doing it, I should do it. If not, then there's no way in hell it's going to happen.

So there was this guy that I really liked, and after waiting hopelessly for him to ask me out for a while, I decided, what the hell, I'll ask him out myself and I did. So on our date, we went to this place that offered a skyline view of the city, which is usually quite beautiful. Unfortunately for us, there was a light sand storm in the making, so everything was a little bit of a haze, but that didn't stop us from standing at the railing and watching all the cars go by underneath. The date had it all, it had the view and more importantly, it had the conversation. This was one of those dates where the two of you really connect, really get to know each other and tell each other about your insecurities. I felt the butterflies flutter excitedly in the pit of my stomach and looking into his eyes, I think he felt them too.

Then, I screwed it up....

It was one of those moments, where I had revealed a vulnerable part of me and looked away, reliving some distant memory, that my date put his arm around me in comfort. I was feeling vulnerable and not entirely sure about the appropriateness of it. I know that that type of physical contact should not be a big deal and call me a prude, another Sandra Dee, but I was entirely not ready for it at that moment. I really liked this guy and I didn't want to offend him, and so I did nothing. He got the message loud and clear, and pulled his arm away.

It turns out that my reaction, or lack thereof, had led him to a confused state. Subsequent dates after that, were enjoyable, yet slightly awkward and coupled with the fact that we only kissed much, much later, the whole incident left him guessing.

In retrospect, keeping him on his toes maybe isn't such a bad thing after all.... It may have been the secret to the great relationship that developed from that date onwards....

More on Redundancy

Word is out in the company that my department is the nucleus of negativity. Everyone is talking about, everyone won't stop talking about it. "What's the deal with you guys? Why are you so unmotivated?" Why this is a matter of concern for everyone is beyond me, really. Why should the other departments care? They're doing pretty well and they seem to be happy..

I think my hard work at getting fired is actually paying off. My boss and I have a common friend from college and this friend told me today that my boss knows I don't give a shit about the job and that I'm doing it for the fuck of it... That's good news, at least all my efforts are not going unnoticed. The question is of course, what is my manager planning to do about it?

I've been seriously slacking off lately and really day-dreaming, although my day dreams have been a little disturbing of late and I wonder how many people out there imagine causing serious damage to their place of work? It's not that I'm going to do or anything, I just imagine what it would be like.

I think I need to leave this place soon...

The Show Must Go On

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on...
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah,yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking...
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!
The Show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!

I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on.

Glee

I've previously talked about my dislike for TV, how it makes me feel like a vegetable, and how I'd rather do something else. But even with this dislike and my determination to watch as little of it as possible, I do sometimes watch TV and get hooked on it. My sister is a big TV fan and she follows a number series religiously. One such series is Glee. Now I've seen the ads for this show and even though my sister has tried to coax me into watching it countless time I've always managed to resist. Until now. I'm such why I decided to give in, but I finally did and watched the first three episodes. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually liked it.

Even though the show is a chick's show and a tab bit corny (and I would be totally embarrassed if any of my friends found out I was watching it), there is something that got to me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I went to a really crappy high school (and an all girls one at that) where we had no such thing as a creative outlet, that this show brings out a certain longing, like I somehow live vicariously through this show. I imagine what my teenage years would've been like if I had the kind of activities that these kids have. Would my life have turned out any different? Would I have found that somewhere deep inside me, I have some kind of hidden talent? Well if I do, then it's still hiding.

If I had gone to a high school in the U.S., which box would I be in? Would I have been one of the popular girls? A cheerleader? Or would I have been one of the so-called losers? The outcasts? A bunch of misfits hanging out together because no one else would have them? I've never been to high school in the U.S. and so all I have to go by is the movies and the TV shows. Is there really so much pressure? Are kids really that cruel? If they are, then I thank my lucky stars for not having to have gone through that, to have gone to a school where almost everyone was a misfit that being different was normal. The only outcasts were the snitches. Because no one likes a snitch.

Another One Bites the Dust

Negativity spreads like a cancer, moving quickly and undetected until it's too late. That's what our office has been like for the past few months. I don't know if management have realized yet, but it's happening, and happening quickly. We've been losing people like flies, our staff turnover has soared and today, another one has been added to the list, one of the people, who like me, has stayed at the company much longer than she should have. She was a hard worker, intelligent, and has so much integrity that it's almost crippling. She will be missed by many, and will be missed a lot by me.

There are many ways to cure a cancer, depending on its severity and its location. You can cut it out, you can attack it full on with chemo and radiation, which inevitability makes the entire body weaker, or you could seek alternative methods that are not so aggressive, but take time and patience and lots of hope. The first step of course is to diagnose the cancer, to find out where it has set up shop, decide on the best way to treat it and curb it from spreading its malice to the rest of body. Then, and only then, will there be hope to kill it before it's too.

The cancer set up shop in my department and I think, it all started with me...

Flying Spaghetti Monster

I know this is old, but it just really cracks me up





http://flyingspaghettimonster.com/

Contol

Go away, go away.
Why won't you just go away?

Leave alone, leave me alone
Why can't you all just leave me alone?

I am who I want to be
No, I will not change for you

Let me be, let me be
Let me have things my way.

Run away, run away,
Instead of running my life.

Hello? Can anyone help me?

Originally I had planned to write a piece about Billy today and see where his story is going, but after my exhausting day at work, I'm all out of creativity.

I spent the day today in training. The company I work for has finally realized that we have no idea about our customers or what it means to have decent customer service. Our policy has always been, we're big, we're successful, we must be right and screw all your customers requests for flexibility and pro-activity. Of course this came along with not answering phone calls, being rude to customers, etc...

Now that we've started losing market share and can see competition gaining ground, we suddenly have realized that maybe the way we do business isn't really the best way. Suddenly we're not so big anymore and we need to grovel for some business. Suddenly the customer is always right.

So we've had a long ass day of training telling us that we should be polite to customers when they call, we should be helpful and we should at the very least answer all our calls.

It's a no brainer people.. if your in the service industry, you might as well offer an actual service. How this company has survived for so long, is completely beyond me...

Scrooge McDuck

I first met this guy through a friend. He was one of those quick with a joke and a light of your smoke type guys who always got your attention. He was a semi-professional water polo player (and you gotta love those abs), spoke three languages and was a successful banker. He had a tan all year round and bright green eyes. My kind of guy.

We had hung out a few times with friends before he asked for my number and then asked me out for date. Naturally, I was all excited and looking forward to a magical date with Mr. Perfect. We went out for dinner and had pleasant conversation. Everything was going well until the check arrived and then things went horribly wrong. He didn't have cash and his credit card didn't work. No problem, I say, it happens to the best of us, and so I casually and elegantly foot the bill.

Now I'm no feminist and I am a little old fashioned, I think the guy should pay, at the least for the first few dates. After that, I don't mind going dutch or taking turns. In my head, how a man handles the bill in the first few dates really shows how much of a penny pincher he really is, and my mama always said that the worst trait in a man being a scrooge. We have a saying where I come from that loosely translate to A miser with money is a miser with his feelings.

Anyhow, so like I said, I foot the bill and I told myself to give him another chance. He was just so cute. We went out on a second date. All is well and then the check arrives. This time he did some elaborate calculation to add how much he owed last time as well as this time and then leave me the rest of the check. It actually left me a little confused (he's banker and I'm bad at mental math). Bottom line, he didn't pay for me.

He was too damn cute to just let it go at that, so I went out with him several more times, treated him to various meals hoping he would get the hint, but nothing. Yup, he was Scrooge Mcduck himself, but still I felt the need to give him more chances. What happened, you ask. I'll tell you what happened. He blew me off. HE blew ME off! I couldn't believe it. The stingy bastard blew me off and I was left with my mouth gaping open wide in shock.

Although I don't admit this often, my mama was right...

No Blog Post Today

I'm too sick to be blogging today. I'm going to crawl right back into bed where I belong and see if I can sleep it off...

So here's a picture of my cats instead

Unforgiven - Metallica

Are we really masters of our actions? Do we really have much choice in what we do? More and more I get the feeling that we don't have any say in what we do or even think. Ever since we were young, we were taught to act in certain ways, think in certain ways, and anything that strays away from that is abnormal, is wrong. What makes us think that we are any different now that we're all grown up? And what happens when we start to question these norms, these beliefs? Will the pressure to conform be too much for us that we chose to turn a blind eye and just follow the herd? What if I don't want to be a part of the herd any longer? Can I handle it? Can I really just swim against the current and make my own way? Or will the pressure kill me so that I'm nothing more than just a vegetable?

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away-eay

Chorus:

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN

They dedicate their lives
To RUNNING all of his
He tries to please THEM all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN

Men and their Toys

Why is it so incredibly difficult to shop for a guy? My boyfriend's birthday is coming and I have been dreading this day for like six months because I have no idea what to get him. I called his brother and his best friend but somehow I've still got nothing. Okay, that's not entirely true, I don't have nothing, I have two ideas, both of which are equally difficult. One of them I know nothing about and so the research has been killing me, and the other one... well I think it's sort of tacky and it's kinda like my back-up plan if the first one falls through.

But seriously, why is it so difficult? With girls it's easy, buy her a dress, some jewelery, and you're good to go. And if you buy us electronic gadgets, well most of us wouldn't really know much about it, so we'll be happy and excited with whatever. We don't need super special specifications. And try to get a guy a high tech present, he'll immediately zoom in on the specifications that you didn't get and how a different model would've been better. It seriously sucks. Do they not know how difficult this is? The options are so limited and after a while, you'll really run out of ideas, seriously...

And my boyfriend is really annoying too, he won't tell me what he wants, and he won't let me ask for his opinion. He insists that it must be a surprise, he wants to know nothing about it and he won't even help me a little. I don't get it, why does it really have to be a surprise? Wouldn't it just be easier to get his opinion, that way he'll get something he likes and my life is made easier? But nooo... it can't be.

Well off I go to do more research on this present and he better like it.

Along Came a Spider

As I was driving home today I noticed a fairly large spider on my windshield and it made me smile. For some odd and bizarre reason I think seeing a spider is good luck and that got me wondering about the crazy superstitions we sometime have. I don't know why I believe spiders are good luck, but to me they just are. My mother has the strangest idea that if you clean after someone leaves to go on a trip, then that person will never return. So whenever I leave, I have to wait until she cleans the entire house so that she doesn't have to clean after. She has no explanation for this belief but it is so strong that she cannot get herself to change it, even though she is a very well educated doctor.

Superstition transcends all logic and rationality and it really makes me think about how rational we are. I know most of us like to believe that we are rational and that our thought process is logical, but we are not. We function mostly on instinct and things that we have learned as children. What are parents teach us become the norm and they become what's right. We don't think about the decisions we make everyday, because there are just so many of them. We don't question our beliefs because they have been so deeply rooted into our psyche that it doesn't even occur to us to question them.

What would happen if we did question them? How would we react if someone were to show us that what we believe is in, is utterly and completely wrong? Would we see or turn a blind eye?

Billy - Part 11

The old tavern crouched at the edge of the cliff that overlooked the ocean, a short, stocky building made of stone dulled by years of wind and rain. The waves collided with the rocks below forcefully trying to mold the rocks to their will, a battle that has been raging on for centuries. The tavern and the inn above it had been there for many years, unshakable and unyielding like the rocks they had been built upon. The wind was unrelenting as it hammered against the inn making the shutters rattle and the candles spit and splutter, but the people inside where oblivious. Those who came to the Mighty Fish did not mind the noise, or the wind, or the rain, it was the company that they sought. Frequented by only a few, the Mighty Fish was cozy and familiar. The barkeeper was a stout old man, barrel-chested with a deep, resonating voice. Beneath his bushy brows were small, beady eyes that darted nervously betraying the calm and steady movement of his hands as he cleaned the mugs that hung above the bar.

Two old friends sat at the back of room close to the fire. They were talking animatedly, swinging their mugs and spilling their ale in fits of laughter and mirth. In the midst of their laughter, the door to the tavern swung open with a crash and a small, childlike figure stormed in, fighting violently with his cloak and spitting out incomprehensible obscenities. The ale-drinkers were silenced as they watched, a person much too small to be causing such a commotion. He fumbled for a few more moments in anger and then looked up. Pointing a finger at the back of the room, he let out an angered screech and charged straight at the two men by the fire place, much too fast for anyone to stop them. He crashed into them turning over the table and their chairs, wrestling them to the ground into one giant heap of bodies and ale.