It’s been 15 days and I’m still craving the cigarettes as much as before. There is a part of me that’s happy that I’ve given it up but another part of me feels miserable. It feels like I’m taking away something that has been with me for so long, a life companion. I’m finding difficulty replacing my addiction with something else and more and more I running out of distractions. It seems like the only way for me to stop smoking is to lock myself up in the house where I know I cannot smoke. My will power is faltering and I’ve always had so little to begin with.
I must admit that I do feel better without smoking. I can take deeper breaths and there is something refreshing about not being surrounded by that foul smelling smoke but god I miss it. There is something that is so comforting about having that cigarette in my hand. There was that Seinfeld episode that talked about smoking, where Jerry Seinfeld was talking about the appeal of smoking to smokers, how holding that cigarette is like controlling fire in their hands. It was a funny skit but it fails to capture the addiction to the habit, and it is the habit, more than anything else. The lack of nicotine I can handle, it’s the emptiness in my hand that I cannot.
I’m not sure why I wanted to quit now. Oh yes, to be healthy, that was it. Why can I not see it anymore? Why don’t I want it anymore? Will I last?
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