No Smoking...

Day 1:

Like all those times I’ve tried to quit, I’m filled with the horror that I am an addict. All I can think about is smoking, having that cigarette in my hand, blowing the smoke out of my lips. I’m obsessed and I continue to struggle with my desire. How did I let it come this? Where is my will power? Where has it disappeared?

I’ve been wanting to quit for a very long time and there are countless reasons why I should quit (as everyone probably knows) but every time I decided to take that step, all those reasons go flying out the window. I forget why I wanted to quit in the first place. I find excuses for myself, I tell myself I’ll just have one, what harm could it do, but deep down I know that one cigarette will undo me.

So far, I’ve had a smoke free day and I’m feeling miserable. The rebellious streak in me is flying into a tantrum inside my head. Just the fact that something has been forbidden to me drives me crazy. It spurs on my desire and I can barely contain myself. It’s like I’ve been separated in two, a raging bull that is charging against all my defenses and a meek little girl who is guarded only by a small wooden fence.

Can I make it this time? Who will win, the bull or the girl? Does she have enough will power to hold her ground and tame the beast inside?