Saturday, June 12, 2010

Nile Crocodile....

I hate guilt. I really hate guilt. I hate feeling guilty and knowing that there is nothing I can do to change that feeling. Of course when you feel guilty and there is something you can do to change it, then it's a little better.. but when you are where i am right now, the guilt is the only thing there. And it kills me, it tears me apart. It doesn't matter what I've done or haven't done, or how big or small a big deal it is, the guilt just rips through me, like a giant reptile, jaws gaping, razor sharp teeth sinking in, shreds me to bits.

That's what guilt is to me. Its a giant green reptile inside me, vicious and unforgiving. It lies there, somewhere deep in my chest, watching and waiting, and the moment there's a shimmer of hurt in someone else that could've been caused by me, it rears its ugly head in my direction and I can smell its fetid breath....
And then it feeds on me. It just chews me up, over and over and over and over... I feel my insides churning up and I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't think for days... until by some miracle, or some crazy creative rationing on my part, it retreats back to its lair and I can breathe easy again....

Like I said, I hate feeling guilty...

My best friend is mad at me. I think he has a bit of a right to be. He's traveling in a couple of days, and I was supposed to see him today and then something came up. I really just couldn't. There's a part of me that feels like i could've, but really, when I think about it, I couldn't have. No way in hell....

So I'm sitting on my couch, trying to find some way to make it up to him, but I can't because he won't let me.

I think he knows the guilt will kill me, and he figures this is a good way for payback.

I had a boss who always used to tell me: Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you...

I think he might've been right.... Does that mean I'm not actually paranoid? Does that mean I'm right in suspecting them?

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