Smoking - The Disease

I'm a smoker. Not a particularly heavy smoker, but a smoker nonetheless. I've been smoking since I was 16. Yes, I did start at a young age.
Back when I started smoking, it was really no big deal. Yes only the "bad" kids did it, but it was really no big deal. It wasn't cool or anything, but it wasn't viewed so negatively as it is today.

I come from a long line of smokers. My parents are smokers, my grandparents were smokers, and my older siblings are also smokers. When I started smoking, I just really wanted to become a smoker. It wasn't that I was pressured into it, I just wanted to be one. I remember I was dating a guy at the time, and he warned me, he told me not to get into, don't start or you'll never be able to quit.

And here I am, more than 10 years later, unable to quit. I've tried a million times, I really have. I've tried cutting down, I've tried giving up cold turkey, it just doesn't work. I lack the will power to do. I lack the self-discipline. Of course, that is also why I'm here writing this blog. To get some of that ever elusive self-discipline.

But what is it about smoking that is so addictive. I know the nicotine causes some physical dependence, but as I understand it, it's not really the nicotine. A friend of mine who's a psychologist says it's an oral fixation, whatever that means, and there have been countless books on how to quit smoking, how to "kick the habit", but do they really work?

Here's what I think it is. For those of us out there who actually like to smoke, who don't quit because really deep down, they don't want to quit, I think smoking is a safety net.
The cigarette is always there. No matter what happens, it's your best friend. It's good at any time, when you're out having drinks and having fun, when the whole world has crumbled around you, when you're nervous, when your crying hopelessly into your pillow, when you're bored, even after sex. It's always there.

I think personally, I hide behind my cigarette. When I walk into a bar and none of my friends have arrived yet, I light a cigarette. When I'm waiting at the bus stop, I light a cigarette. I think it makes me look busy, makes me look like I know exactly what I'm doing, makes me look like I belong where I am. I take nice, long, slow drags and then let the smoke leave my lips in one smooth breath. I am confident, because I am actually doing something instead of standing there like an idiot. In my mind, if someone is looking at me, they're not looking at me because I look weird or because I look out of place, they're looking at me because I'm smoking. And even if that non-smoker is looking at me with disgust, in my mind it's better than him looking at me because I'm not supposed to be there.

There's something there that I think that is oddly disturbing, but I don't think I want to dig any deeper into it now.

My point is, that back then, when I was 16 and I was dating that guy, he was right. He knew it and he tried to warn me. Whatever my reasons are for smoking now are irrelevant. I can't stop. I can feel it eating away at my lungs and sometimes while I'm having my beloved cigarette, I imagine the white smoke filling up my chest and I can almost see how black my lungs have become, how old and withered, shriveled up like a bunch of raisins. That's what my lungs have become, some dried up, blackened raisins.
My skin doesn't look the way it used to. I've been blessed to look a lot younger than my age, but I can feel my skin getting coarser, drier and I don't think any amount of moisturizer will help unless I throw away that damned pack.
And my teeth, oh my teeth. This is what makes me really sorry I ever started smoking. It's not too late yet, but I've noticed the tiny little stains forming. And I have such nice teeth, perfectly aligned, but now, those tiny specs are starting to appear....

I know I'm not quite there yet, that somewhere deep inside me, I still need the safety of that cigarette, but one day, one day, I'm going to give it the boot.

All I need to do, is find another safety net.... Or alternatively, stop hiding....