No post.

I had a tough at work today, so there's no post today.

Wikileaks

Now I'm not generally concerned with politics (there's too many lies and it makes me sick) but I do like to keep updated with what's happening globally and there's an interesting story that's all over the place at the moment and I think it's downright embarrassing. Some official and confidential information was leaked to the general public, you can see the news here.

Now, how the hell did this stuff get leaked out? I understand how every company keeps profiles to other countries and their representatives, but to have this come out public can have serious effects on international relations for the United States and other countries with each other. I cannot imagine the kind of repercussions this would have, even if it's not a obvious reaction, there will be a reaction and it won't be pretty.

This is why I hate politics. It's a bunch of people at the top who hold the key to everyone else's life. They can make or break you, they can give you happiness and they can take it away.

I was talking to my mother recently and she had one of those wise moments. She said that true happiness is really about being satisfied with what you have and that there is nothing more valuable that your health and peace of mind. I believe her.

Webs of Deceit

A few years ago I realized that I had surrounded myself with people who weren't really my friends, people who just filled my life with negative energy (and yes I'm aware I do this to people at work, they should totally just fire me) and sucked all the goodness out of it. They were social parasites, draining away all my energy. And one day, I decided to do something about it. I decided that I had had enough and that I couldn't handle it anymore, so I started cutting people out. With some people I just disappeared, with others, it was a much slower process, a drifting away, so that little by little, I extracted myself from their venomous webs leaving behind the sensation that it was life that pulls us apart, that it was in any way my intention. There's a good reason why I did this. It's because I didn't trust them. I had seen them deceive so many of their so-called friends in pursuit of their own goals. I've seen them lie and cheat. I seem them betray all their trust, betray the years of friendship to get ahead, to steal what isn't theirs. I knew that if I was too obvious, they would not let me go. They would spin their web tighter and tighter around my neck and rob me of any chance of happiness, because they were unhappy, because they were incomplete.

I realize that my paranoia might have a lot to do with it, but how can you trust someone who has betrayed their closest friends? How could you forget that and not wonder that one day it could be you? I am terrified that one day, they will realize that I have left them for precisely this reason and they will come after me with all their force and all their might. They will come at me like a tornado, tearing down everything that have built and leaving my life in shambles.

Will they? Will they really stoop so low even though I have never done them any harm? Is keeping your enemies close really a good idea, or just bad logic?

The Stone - The Dave Matthews Band

I've this creeping
Suspicion that things here are not as they seem
Oh, reassure me
Why do I feel as if I'm in too deep?
Oh, I've been praying
For some way to show them
I'm not what they see
Oh, I have done wrong
But what I did I thought needed be done
I swear
Oh, Unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
God knows it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want
But if not I'll go
I will go a long way
Far from that fool's mistake
And now forever pay
No, run
I will run and I'll be ok
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want
But if not I'll go
I will go a long way
To bury the past
For I don't want to pay
Oh, and I wish this
To turn back the clock and do over again
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I'll do the same if the same's what you want
But if not I'll go
I will go alone
Oh, I need so
To stay in your arms see you smile hold you close
Oh, And it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and a bone chilling cold
I was just wondering if you'd come along
Just tell me you will

Let it all fall out
Let it all fall out

Drama Queen

I'm not usually a drama queen, but when I'm stressed out and overwhelmed I really turn into one. I've been pretty stressed out these days with a lot happening at work, school, and relationship that really the slightest thing can just set me off.

Today, I went to get a haircut and I've yet to find a hairdresser that is not scissor happy. What is it about hairdressers and their obsession to cut away as much of your hair as possible? Anyway, I told the guy that all I needed was a trim, nothing more. What's the first thing he does? He gives me bangs! Now I have big curly hair, there is no way in hell I can pull off bangs, all they're going to do is frizz up and head skywards like alien antenna (I prefer that to cockroach antenna, which is what my brother is calling it these days). I said trim goddamnit! Of course, he had already cut away my lovely hair, so there's not much I can do about it, but I get into a complete fit, crying my eyes out like a baby. I have to walk around for the next month or so looking like a complete moron, either that, or straighten out the front which I can never pull off.

Anyway, instead of letting this blog post turn into a complete chick thing, I'm going to end it here. I don't know why the hell crying is so taxing but I'm exhausting and my head hurts. I'm heading off to bed.

Good night

Toilet Paper

I usually start my blogging process by reading through the comments I get, check out the stats and then head on to my reading list and start reading the blogs I'm currently following. I'm relatively new at the blog world and have been slightly slow at finding blogs that I like enough to follow, but I'm managed. So there's a bunch of blogs that I follow and I was reading one of them, Absolutely Narcissism (which is absolutely brilliant by the way, you should totally check it out, coz she's funny as hell), where her recent entry of "High as a Fricking kite!" prompted me to write this post.

She talks about when the teacher in one of her nursing courses tells them to "Remember ladies, wipe front to back." Now I understand the logic behind that and the good common sense that comes with it, but I have a very serious, serious question, that has been on my mind ever since I left the comfort of my country to visit countries in the West. Someone please explain to me, why the hell don't people in the west use water to clean themselves after using the toilet? Why is it that this type of technology has never really found its way there? The French at some point had the whole bidet thing going on and so did the Spanish (due to Arab influence, I suppose) and it's better than nothing (although sometimes gross) but now, there is a better, more hygiene way, that will totally change any Westerner's life if they would just give it a chance. The use of toilet paper becomes only a drying activity and the water washes away everything. It leaves you bum nice and clean without even touching anything. It is brilliant!

There's two ways you can do this, it's either a small shower head device like this:




Or, and I think it's the more hygienic thing, there's a tiny little jet that squirts out water when you turn a tap at the side of the toilet, like this:



And no, the water does not go shooting out and into your ass, you can control the water pressure.
Trust me, if you try this, you will never want to go back to just toilet paper (coz that's just gross, seriously).

Really, how do people in the west live without it?

Venus & Mars

Other than the obvious physical differences between boys and girls, there is one difference that just drives me crazy. Women typically talk a lot more than men, they have a lot more emphasis on communication, both verbal and otherwise. Men on the other hand don't have such a strong focus. They are a lot more concise and do not really notice a lot of the details that women notice. This becomes obvious when retelling stories.

If you're a woman like me and your boyfriend talks about something that relates to you (as in what his parents/friends think of you) you expect detail. You expect him to repeat the story word for word like it happened. You expect all those juicy details so that you can take all that information and analyze it, turn it upside down, and analyze it again until it's completely dissected, over-analyzed and all the possible hidden meanings are uncovered. That's just how we work, we need to information to have a better, more complete picture (it's completely irrelevant whether that information is actually necessary or not. What's important to have the information).

Men on the other hand (or most men, just to be fair) have a hard time remembering these details, retelling them, and caring about them. They filter out all the "irrelevant" information and just come out with the final conclusion, which to a woman is entirely unsatisfying. And it's completely useless to try and convince said man to retell the story in detail. He never will.

I've told my boyfriend before that he should tape all important conversations that I would be interested in and just play them back to me but he's not convinced. Of course it's my fault for dating a guy who already is of little words, one of the silent mysterious types, but I think we should've been passed this stage already. Somehow, he should've learned that I need the information, and IN DETAIL please.

Pay attention men, let us do the filtering.

More Long Distance... Again.

The distance is killing me. It's been three months since I last saw my boyfriend and still one month more to go. It is a lot harder than I thought and this is definitely the longest we've been apart.

There's a lot about this distance thing that I don't like, other than the obvious which is missing quality time spent together. Even though we're not physically together most of the time, we find ways, given modern technology, to have quality time virtually, so that's not the worst part of it. I think the worst part of the long distance relationship is the amount of strain that is put on said relationship. There's so much stress and pressure involved that sometimes develops into unwanted drama. The frustration of not being able to see that person in front of you, and not being able to read the body language really makes communication harder than it already is.

I think the true measure of a successful relationship is how it withstands the distance, how it makes sure that out of sight is not out of mind, and how it finds constructive ways to resolve conflict that does not involve throwing in the towel.

To all those who are in long distance relationships, stand strong and work hard to make it work. To my boyfriend, I'm sorry for going a little crazy now and then.

Big is Beautiful

I have a close Middle-Eastern friend who lives in Europe. He's lived in Europe for a long, long time and he's quite fully integrated there. He's your average Joe, a real nice guy, and honestly, if it wasn't for his skin color, you wouldn't know the difference between him and any other westerner.

We were talking the other day, and he told me how it is almost impossible for him to get into any nightclubs where he lives. Apparently the bouncers over there have a very strict policy on who to let in and who not to let in. No Middle Easterners, no fat women, no ugly women. It's just that simple. And I don't like it.

Why is it that nightclubs need to be filled with only commonly beautiful people. Why do we need to conform to some kind of look to be deemed beautiful? If God created us in his image, aren't we all beautiful? The beauty of mankind is in our individuality, that we are all uniquely different, and the fact that there are different tastes out there really means that everyone is beautiful, that in someone's eyes, everyone is beautiful.

Then why do we constantly try to change ourselves into something that we are not? I blame the media and the constant bombardment of all those models who starve themselves for a living.

Dark Stuff...

I am sick, both physically and mentally. I don't know how long it will take before I breakdown, before I explode. Everyone is gone, left me to deal for myself. Few people remember me. Almost none can remember my laughter. I never seem to laugh anymore. The thought brings about so much sorrow, so much pain. Is this what causes my anxiety? Is this all bottled up inside? Images that remain swirling in my head, feeding on my paranoia? But am I really paranoid?

My head throbs with pain and I fight to keep my eyes open. My head gets heavy, I cannot lift it up. I am falling, falling faster into sleep. But I fear the nightmares that threaten to come. I fear their memory. I fear their truth, I fear their lies. I fear... I can no longer fight them. my head falls on my chest, my eyes are sown shut. The dreams are coming. Nothing will stop them.
The grass was green. The sun was barely up. The air was fresh and cold. The sun seemed jaded. I could not feel its warmth. The were no crushing walls, no hollow spaces, just an endless field of green. I stood there silently, waiting patiently, but no one came. I was surprised at first, but the confusion slipped away. I watched the sky as it twisted before me. Images seemed to form. I waited again but still no one came. Then the sky was unable to stay still. I smiled. I stared at the sky for ages, watching the clouds shift and flee. When I looked down, the realization dawned on me. I was no long solid. I shifted in and out, becoming a cold, an image. I drifted away, I was blowing in the wind...

I am a fleeting memory... I cease to exist...

Running Up that Hill - Placebo

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't wanna hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems [x2]

'If I only could, be running up that hill.' [x7]

A Cleansing

Endless seas of green. The trees surround me and hover above me,
sheilding me from the sun. The ground is damp beneath my feet from
recent rains. Its coolness is comforting. I stood still for what felt
like hours. I felt so at peace here. It was a haven of security, far
away from the penetrating eyes of people. I felt myself slowly melting
away. The chill breeze enveloped my skin, washing away all the pain. I
walked foward, slowly, breathing deeply. I wanted to fill my lungs
with air enough to lift me off the ground. I felt so lightheaded. I
could hear a river in the distance, or maybe it was a stream, or a
spring. I didn't know. I was drawn to the water, its sound echoing
softly in my head.
The spring was hot, its water was pure and clean as it traveled down
the hill, splashing away merrily at the rocks that lay in its way. I
knelt down beside it, and washed my face. The water was comforting. I
stared at my hands. They looked old and weary, they were hands that
had so much to tell. I do not remember taking out a knife. It seemed
to materialize in my hand, then slowly, and half conscious, I cut deep
into my flesh. I don't remember the pain. I remember my blood as it
flowed unchecked from my wrists. I slowly put my hand in the water and
I saw my blood being washed away. The feeling was comforting. I was
finally draining all the poison from my blood, all the pain, all the
betrayal, all the lies, all the regrets. I sat there for what seemed
to be an eternity. I lay down on the wet grass, the bleeding stopped.
Then sleep descended. Sweet dreamless sleep.

Non-Violence - Mark Kurlansky

This is by far one of the greatest books I've read in a long time. The way history is plagued with violence is really sickening and this book sheds a light on so many of those incidents, how leader and politicians have used everything in their power from money, charisma, fear, and brutal force to lead people of wars that are deemed to be "just". The way wars are waged under the banner of all that is right and holy is frightening. There is no justification for violence or brutality and no good could come from it. War only leads to more war and more hatred. It is the justifications that are used for these wars that breed hatred in our hearts and in our minds. The thoughts of a common enemy, a common demon, instills our lives with constant fear and loathing that can only be quenched by violence, the destruction of that common demon.

History repeats itself but it must be stopped. I refuse to believe that human kind is by nature evil, immoral and violent. The institutions around us, be it government, society, culture, or religion, that twist the facts and use us to accomplish their selfish goals. It is by practicing this idea of non-violence that violence can be overcome.A dangerous idea it is indeed

I highly recommend this book. Give it a read. You won't regret it.

Autobiographies

What makes a life interesting? How is interesting judged exactly? Is the life on an undercover international spy more interesting than say, a corporate drone like myself? Possibly. Scratch that, definitely.

I've always wondered who has the right to an autobiography, and why some people are more entitled to write one than others. I also wonder why we can't all have the interesting lives of undercover spies, superheros, etc... How does one get into that kind of life anyway?

If I wrote an autobiography, would anyone read it? Would anyone think my life is interesting and marvel at it and think, I wish I could've had that sort of life? Maybe. Maybe not

Entertainment is always about someone else's life, someone else who has a more interesting life than your own and really that is just sad.

I say, we should stop worrying about the future, throw caution to the wind and start living. Then maybe, maybe, we'll have interesting lives too.

Unfortunately, that's easier said than done.

Karma - What Goes Around Comes Around

Here's part two of yesterday's story. Like I said, it's not sad and miserable and when I think about it, it was truly pathetic.

So, we had been broken up for about two years or so and I had not seen or heard of him in all that time. He had transferred to another university and since he didn't really have any close friends at the one I went to, it made things a lot easier. After some intense looking after myself (which may have included some pills), I was feeling better. I had gained all the weight I lost, regained my friends and family and things were looking up again. I had come to a point where I only thought of him occasionally but that was okay. I still thought him as a misunderstood knight in shining armor and that somewhere, deep inside him, there was a really good person.

I was wrong.

One day, he calls me out of the blue. I must admit a part of me was ecstatic, as sad and pathetic as that sounds. I couldn't help but hoping that maybe he had changed, maybe this is my second chance to make it work with him. He said he wanted to see me but his voice sounded a bit strained. Something was wrong, something was very, very wrong. He said he didn't want to talk over the phone, that he needed to speak to me face to face. I agreed. I drove to his house and picked him up. We went to a quiet place and he started talking. He talked about how sorry he was for the way he treated me and he begged me to forgive him. He cried and I cried. A part of me felt some kind of victory and as I prepared myself to take him back, he dropped the bomb. He was with another woman and he loved her uncontrollably and she was doing to him what he had done to me. She kept him on his toes, she cheated on, she did it all and he was so desperately in love her that he couldn't see what a real bitch she was. As he sobbed in front of me I felt my heart turn into stone. I had no compassion for him and I had no more love left to give. Karma is a bitch is what I said. He cried some more and then begged for my forgiveness and because I could feel nothing towards him at the point in time, neither love nor hate, I forgave him.

And here comes the funny part. After listening to him sob for over an hour about how much he loved this girl, he suddenly made a move on me, and I'm not talking about holding my hand or any of that shit, I mean really made a move on me. I laughed as I pushed him away. He hadn't changed a bit, he felt no regret for how he treated me. He was just as selfish now as he was when I was with him. Of course, he got mad at my rejection, which made me laugh even harder and that laughter told me that I was finally free of the spell that I was under.

Last I heard of this guy was that he married the cheating bitch. I think they were made for each other and I hope he gets exactly what he deserves.

More on Cutting the Cord

I always wondered how women could stay in unhealthy relationships and always thought that they should just toughen up, pack up their shit, and just leave and never look up. I thought that it was easy and wondered by so many of them just stayed even though their men were complete assholes and/or were abusive. I found out the hard way that it's not so easy.

I had been with this guy for a few years and initially, the relationship was everything I could wish for. We met in college and had hit it off immediately. The chemistry between was incredible and the intensity of what I was feeling made me dizzy. I had fallen head over heels in love in a matter of days and I was addicted to feelings of love and happiness. Those days didn't last though and soon enough, I found myself in an emotional roller coaster that took me from the heights of passion to the pits of misery. Thankfully the relationship was not physically abusive (even though there were times where I really thought he would hit me), the emotional abuse was extreme. I never knew where I stood and I cannot even begin to count the number of times we broke up and then get back together again. It was a freakin nightmare. I began loosing weight and the depression set in. I had become a skeleton of who I used to be, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Things around me started to fall apart, my grades suffered, relationships with my parents and siblings turned ugly (they hated him and wanted me to stop seeing him), my friends were alienated. This compounded the problem further, I could not let go of him because I had nothing else to hold on to. Where would I be if I left him? What would I have left?


My stubborn streak wouldn't let go. My inability to admit that I have failed, that I have judged him wrongly, that he was not the one for me made me try even harder to make it work and the more I tried, the more I failed. It was a vicious circle that would not end. I defended him blindly and gave him wild excuses. I even convinced myself that he had saved my life when the car spiraled out of control (because of his bad driving) when it was his fault I was in that situation in the first place. I believed it, I really did.

And then it all ended. Somewhere deep inside me, I found the balls the end it once and for all, to walk away from him and never look back, to completely erase his existence and push him out of my bubble. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and even when it was over, I had nothing but my pride to keep me company. Even though my family and my friend came back to comfort me, I still felt alone. The misery lasted for a while but eventually that went away too.

But then... a couple of years later... he comes flying into my life again... but this time it's not sad and miserable, it's hilarious. It's a fucking joke...

Read on tomorrow to find out what happens....

Leaving the Nest

I have a little sister, okay, not so little, she's in her early twenties, but she's always been the baby of the family (I have a total of three siblings). She's always been cute and cuddly even in her twenties and pretty much gets her way with everyone and we love her for it. That's not the point of this post though, the point is, when is love too much that it is suffocating? And how do you stop it from becoming like that and learn to let go?

My mother, who's in her sixties is desperately attached to my sister. She holds on to her with such tenacity that she has real problems letting her go and even though I think my sister is to blame for a big part of it, by always being the little baby because it granted her major privileges, now that she's trying to break out of the nest, my mother's psychological well being is hanging by a string.

The most recent of such issues is when my sister decided to take a trip to learn how to dive. Not only was mother trying to stop her from going on the trip altogether (which is really just an enjoyable relaxing beach trip in fantastic weather) she is adamant about her not diving, at all. No course, no diving instructors, nothing. Why do you ask? Because she really can't handle not seeing her everyday. She can't handle letting her go and admitting that she's all grown up, that she has a right to have fun and she can make her own choices. God forbid my sister decides to date a guy my mother doesn't like, seriously all hell with break lose.

When does love start to become suffocating? How can you prevent it from happening? How can you let go and know that your love is still the most important thing in someone else's life?

Conspiracy Theory

Why is it that TV is always terrible on the weekend? In the three countries I've lived in, TV is always bad on the weekend. It doesn't matter what time during the weekend it is, the TV sucks. I'm sure they function on some sort of assumption that people go out on the weekend and therefore viewing must be lower, but couldn't they at least make loser like me who are home on a Saturday night feel better by giving them some entertainment?

Or, or, or.. maybe, just maybe, the TV entertainment industry is in cahoots with the all the other outdoor entertainment industries, forcing us out of our homes to spend all our hard earned cash on food we don't like, too much alcohol, cigarettes, fancy restaurants, and clubs with crappy music that is way too loud with a target market that is much to young to even be there.

I say it's really one big conspiracy to get a hold of our money and to take away from the time we can spend with our families, because that's when they have a strong hold on us, when we're alone, when we're all alienated from each other and separated. They got us exactly where they want us, the temptations inside are non existent that the temptations outside seem better than they really.

Or maybe it's all just in my head.... I think my paranoia might be getting out of control again...

The Man Who Sold the World

Since my battery is dying and I can't find the cable, this is all there is for today....

We passed upon the stair, we spoke in was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise, I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I laughed and shook his hand, and made my way back home
I searched for a foreign land, for years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare, we walked a million hills
I must have died alone, a long long time ago

Who knows? Not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World

Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World

Pride & Prejudice... Or maybe, just Prejudice

I think one of the things that mostly get on my nerves is having a closed-minded approach to the world. It drives me insane that some people are so intolerant and so unappreciative of other cultures, people that think that everything should conform to their norms and their ideals.

There's a guy at the office who will be going to India soon on a business trip and as we were talking about it, I told him how insanely jealous I was and how my life's dream is to go India, take a year off and just backpack all across that amazing country. His reaction was not what I was expecting. He looked at me with utter shock, saying that there's nothing interesting about India, that it's a land filled with poverty and is not worth seeing. He made fun of me, was extremely sarcastic, making various racist comments. The problem is that his racist comments were not made out of malice, they were made out of pure ignorance. They were based on using one frame of reference, judging the world by his own eyes only and completely disregarding differences in culture. No, not disregarding it, being completely unaware that other frames of reference exist, that our differences are what make us special and that these differences must be accepted and understood in order to appreciate the beauty of the human race.

There are two kinds of closed-mindedness, one which comes out of ignorance, and another that comes from educated prejudice and I am not sure which one is worse. Ignorance, and not wanting to change it, is a death of the mind. Educated prejudice is a death of the soul.

Can the human race be saved? Will we ever be a world that sees humans as just that, humans?

The Blog World

I joined the blog world recently and I must say that I am truly amazed at the amount of support, understanding and compassion out there. I've been following some blogs recently and as I read through them and the comments that people post, it really blows my mind. Wow, people, seriously, wow.

Even though I have only 7 followers out there, which seems like a small number to some, to me its an accomplishment. I am really happy that some people take time out of their busy schedules to read whatever nonsense I write. Thank you guys for all your support. It is much appreciated.

I've also started to following blogs myself, mostly through those reading mine and their followers and I'm amazed at how you guys do it. How do you find the time to read all those posts? No, seriously, how do you do it? And there's so many cool blogs out there that I feel like I must read them otherwise I would really be missing out.

I'm a little bit embarrassed by this post, but I really felt the need to tell you all thank you and keep blogging, it really brightens my day :)

Will You Marry Me?

My last boyfriend was an interesting fellow. Right from the start, all signs pointed in the correct direction. He was totally my type, he had the looks, had the twisted sense of humor, had the brains, and was heir to a successful business. So all in all, he scored 9 points out of 10. We met at a party through a common friend and hit it off immediately. It was summer and love was in the air. We spent countless days at the beach, relaxed and having fun. The relationship quickly developed and we became an inseparable item. The perfect fairytale story... and all fairy-tales must have a happy ending.

We had been together for a few years and things were going pretty good and we were quite happy until the most dreaded topic in any relationship came up... where is this going.... And as much as you try to put off this topic, years, months, or decades, it always, always comes up. There's no avoiding it. I suppose it's human nature to want to progress, to want to go somewhere. Or maybe that's just the way we've been conditioned since an early age. We get old enough to go to kindergarten, then we move on to elementary, middle school, high school, college,.. and it just goes on. Something always has to lead to something else, we're never satisfied with things the way they are... Anyway, I digress, back to the ex-boyfriend.

So, when talks about the where this was going, I had the shock of my life. Get this, the douche bag gives me a conditional proposal. Now I'm not particularly romantic, nor am I high-maintenance (and I really mean it), but a conditional proposal, seriously? This guy tells me that he would marry me if I changed half the things about me, the things that make me really me. He of course adds the standard I love you and can't live without you routine, but... BUT? Seriously?

I remember sitting there, in that restaurant, with my mouth gaping wide in utter bewilderment, trying, really trying to find one saving grace in the entire proposal and I found none. So I shut my mouth, gave him a firm no, and walked away.

Does this moron stop there? NO, of course not. He calls my mother, MY MOTHER, of all people, the one person who has been desperately trying to marry me off since I graduated from college, to try and tell her to talk some sense into me and that I was just being stubborn. Lucky for me, my mother decided to back me up, no one talks about her daughter that way! (Of course that didn't save me from the nagging I got later on).

Does he stop there? NO... He send me a letter, not an email, but a hand written letter that he got delivered to my doorstep where he proceeds to tell me that I am losing the best thing that would ever happen to me, and that I would live to regret this decision. I believe he used the word gem to describe himself. Where is that damned letter, anyway? Needless to say, I fell off my chair literally because I was laughing so hard. (I really need to find that letter).

But like I said, the fairytale must have a happy ending, and here it is: that break up was the easiest break up I've ever gone through, and not once have I regretted it. On the contrary, it was the best decision I ever made.

Prudish Behaviour

Sometimes I get a little confused with the physical aspects of dating. I'm never really sure when things are appropriate, like when is the right time to have a first kiss, when to have the first make out session, how far should it go, etc... I'm a complete ditz when it comes to this stuff because I tend to play by completely different rules than everyone else. My rules are, if I feel like doing it, I should do it. If not, then there's no way in hell it's going to happen.

So there was this guy that I really liked, and after waiting hopelessly for him to ask me out for a while, I decided, what the hell, I'll ask him out myself and I did. So on our date, we went to this place that offered a skyline view of the city, which is usually quite beautiful. Unfortunately for us, there was a light sand storm in the making, so everything was a little bit of a haze, but that didn't stop us from standing at the railing and watching all the cars go by underneath. The date had it all, it had the view and more importantly, it had the conversation. This was one of those dates where the two of you really connect, really get to know each other and tell each other about your insecurities. I felt the butterflies flutter excitedly in the pit of my stomach and looking into his eyes, I think he felt them too.

Then, I screwed it up....

It was one of those moments, where I had revealed a vulnerable part of me and looked away, reliving some distant memory, that my date put his arm around me in comfort. I was feeling vulnerable and not entirely sure about the appropriateness of it. I know that that type of physical contact should not be a big deal and call me a prude, another Sandra Dee, but I was entirely not ready for it at that moment. I really liked this guy and I didn't want to offend him, and so I did nothing. He got the message loud and clear, and pulled his arm away.

It turns out that my reaction, or lack thereof, had led him to a confused state. Subsequent dates after that, were enjoyable, yet slightly awkward and coupled with the fact that we only kissed much, much later, the whole incident left him guessing.

In retrospect, keeping him on his toes maybe isn't such a bad thing after all.... It may have been the secret to the great relationship that developed from that date onwards....

More on Redundancy

Word is out in the company that my department is the nucleus of negativity. Everyone is talking about, everyone won't stop talking about it. "What's the deal with you guys? Why are you so unmotivated?" Why this is a matter of concern for everyone is beyond me, really. Why should the other departments care? They're doing pretty well and they seem to be happy..

I think my hard work at getting fired is actually paying off. My boss and I have a common friend from college and this friend told me today that my boss knows I don't give a shit about the job and that I'm doing it for the fuck of it... That's good news, at least all my efforts are not going unnoticed. The question is of course, what is my manager planning to do about it?

I've been seriously slacking off lately and really day-dreaming, although my day dreams have been a little disturbing of late and I wonder how many people out there imagine causing serious damage to their place of work? It's not that I'm going to do or anything, I just imagine what it would be like.

I think I need to leave this place soon...

The Show Must Go On

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on...
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah,yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking...
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!
The Show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!

I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on.

Glee

I've previously talked about my dislike for TV, how it makes me feel like a vegetable, and how I'd rather do something else. But even with this dislike and my determination to watch as little of it as possible, I do sometimes watch TV and get hooked on it. My sister is a big TV fan and she follows a number series religiously. One such series is Glee. Now I've seen the ads for this show and even though my sister has tried to coax me into watching it countless time I've always managed to resist. Until now. I'm such why I decided to give in, but I finally did and watched the first three episodes. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually liked it.

Even though the show is a chick's show and a tab bit corny (and I would be totally embarrassed if any of my friends found out I was watching it), there is something that got to me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I went to a really crappy high school (and an all girls one at that) where we had no such thing as a creative outlet, that this show brings out a certain longing, like I somehow live vicariously through this show. I imagine what my teenage years would've been like if I had the kind of activities that these kids have. Would my life have turned out any different? Would I have found that somewhere deep inside me, I have some kind of hidden talent? Well if I do, then it's still hiding.

If I had gone to a high school in the U.S., which box would I be in? Would I have been one of the popular girls? A cheerleader? Or would I have been one of the so-called losers? The outcasts? A bunch of misfits hanging out together because no one else would have them? I've never been to high school in the U.S. and so all I have to go by is the movies and the TV shows. Is there really so much pressure? Are kids really that cruel? If they are, then I thank my lucky stars for not having to have gone through that, to have gone to a school where almost everyone was a misfit that being different was normal. The only outcasts were the snitches. Because no one likes a snitch.

Another One Bites the Dust

Negativity spreads like a cancer, moving quickly and undetected until it's too late. That's what our office has been like for the past few months. I don't know if management have realized yet, but it's happening, and happening quickly. We've been losing people like flies, our staff turnover has soared and today, another one has been added to the list, one of the people, who like me, has stayed at the company much longer than she should have. She was a hard worker, intelligent, and has so much integrity that it's almost crippling. She will be missed by many, and will be missed a lot by me.

There are many ways to cure a cancer, depending on its severity and its location. You can cut it out, you can attack it full on with chemo and radiation, which inevitability makes the entire body weaker, or you could seek alternative methods that are not so aggressive, but take time and patience and lots of hope. The first step of course is to diagnose the cancer, to find out where it has set up shop, decide on the best way to treat it and curb it from spreading its malice to the rest of body. Then, and only then, will there be hope to kill it before it's too.

The cancer set up shop in my department and I think, it all started with me...

Flying Spaghetti Monster

I know this is old, but it just really cracks me up





http://flyingspaghettimonster.com/

Contol

Go away, go away.
Why won't you just go away?

Leave alone, leave me alone
Why can't you all just leave me alone?

I am who I want to be
No, I will not change for you

Let me be, let me be
Let me have things my way.

Run away, run away,
Instead of running my life.

Hello? Can anyone help me?

Originally I had planned to write a piece about Billy today and see where his story is going, but after my exhausting day at work, I'm all out of creativity.

I spent the day today in training. The company I work for has finally realized that we have no idea about our customers or what it means to have decent customer service. Our policy has always been, we're big, we're successful, we must be right and screw all your customers requests for flexibility and pro-activity. Of course this came along with not answering phone calls, being rude to customers, etc...

Now that we've started losing market share and can see competition gaining ground, we suddenly have realized that maybe the way we do business isn't really the best way. Suddenly we're not so big anymore and we need to grovel for some business. Suddenly the customer is always right.

So we've had a long ass day of training telling us that we should be polite to customers when they call, we should be helpful and we should at the very least answer all our calls.

It's a no brainer people.. if your in the service industry, you might as well offer an actual service. How this company has survived for so long, is completely beyond me...